Ive been having some retroactive i guess jealousy recently. My fiancé has had girlfriends before me, but he’s my first boyfriend. Like i know its unreasonable to expect him not to have dated before me, but it makes me feel bad that he’s my first kiss, first love, first time, everything, and im not his first anything. Like it makes me feel disposable and not special to him. I dont know how to feel better about it

You’re his first and last fiancée, the only woman he put a ring on. He loves you, his past doesn’t define anything and what matters is the present moment. When you’re married at 50 will his gf at 17 years old really matter? Don’t give it any more thought than that Tbh I think it’s good that he dated around because it shaped him to be a better partner for you. Our history helps us become the people we are today.

I know and like i am grateful for that and stuff, but its just hard knowing im never gonna be special to him the way they are, like i feel like a repeat of stuff he’s already done with other people and its not special, meanwhile he’s everything to me

You might not be his first but you can be his last. Wouldn’t you much rather be the one he stays with? I’d say that’s way more special than any “firsts”. I think you’re being super harsh here that just because he might have done certain activities before that doesn’t mean it isn’t special, because it’s the first time he is doing them with you. That’s special enough. Don’t let your insecurities eat you up for no reason. If this is something you’re struggling with regularly I do recommend speaking to a therapist as this kind of jealously can contribute to resentment towards your partner if you get wrapped up in it.

There's nothing inherently special about your first kiss, first love, first time having sex, etc people just like to romanticize it. First doesn't mean best. It also sounds like you have some purity culture ideas creeping into your head in the sense of feeling like you're "disposable" if you're not someone's first time which isn't true. Having sex or being in love with multiple people doesn't degrade you or make your experiences less valuable.

If I could erase all of my “firsts” and jump immediately to my “last” I’D DO IT IN A HEARTBEAT. That being said, if I did that I’d also not have all the things I learned about myself in the process and I may not have been mature enough or emotionally ready for the “last.” I agree with Yi_eune also too about seeking therapy. This is something you could work through with a professional. That’s how I became ready for the one who is now my fiancé (and my last!) it can be transformational.