Hi! I just wanted some relationship advice as I’m sure people have been in a similar situation as me. So me and my boyfriend moved in together a month ago and I love living with him, but there have been a few things that have just sort of been building up. I don’t mind him gaming, I think it’s a great way to relax and have some fun, but he does it like ALL day most of the time. I go to classes and he starts (gone for 10+ hours) and come back, still find him in his gaming chair. I’d say he probably games like 60+ hours a week. For my major, I have to be constantly studying and it feels sort of sh*tty me being the only one being productive a lot of the time. For example, I do all the laundry and cleaning and figure out what to make for dinner most nights. I just hate this feeling of almost resentment building up for something I know I’m sure he probably isn’t aware is annoying me this much. There have also been times where I’ve gotten home, cooked dinner and asked for him to watch an episode of our show with me. He’ll happily watch it and then say something along the lines of “okay x wants me to get on” and in my head I’m thinking “you’ve been playing all day.. the dishes are still in the sink that I need to now do” or “the floor needs to clearly be vacuumed yet you’re just sort of waiting for it to be done or waiting to be ASKED to do it.” I know that communication is key and I really want to discuss it with him, but my issue is that I don’t want to be controlling and tell him what to do, because he is his own person. And me telling him to game less and get different hobbies feels controlling. Sorry for the super long post!

Did you guys talk about what the expectations for cleaning and cooking would be? It seems like you’re taking the brunt of having to do everything while he gets to relax and do nothing. Having clear expectations for who will do what when you live together isn’t controlling and expecting him to participate in the upkeep of your home is not controlling. He’s severely dropping the ball here. I think a conversation definitely is needed where you tell him exactly how you feel. His gaming is keeping him from participating in the upkeep of the home, leaving you to have to do everything. Stop doing his laundry and stop cooking his meals. You’re taking on the mental load of everything and that’s not fair at all.

@maeve_ thank you I really needed to hear that. I come from living alone in a one bedroom so I’m used to doing everything, and he moved straight from his parents house into an apartment with me so I think that’s probably a big contributor. His stepmom does all the cleaning so he never has to worry about it, and he usually does the yard work (however we live in an apartment so there’s none to do). You’re completely right, I need to just sit him down and have that conversation with him.

Completely agree with @maeve_ and as it's only been a month it's still early enough to establish that division of labor. ALWAYS have an explicit conversation about chores and household duties as soon as you move in with anyone (roommate, SO, family or whoever), create a chore chart, a schedule, put reminders in your phone calendar, etc. You can always adjust it as needed but it's one thing I'd never skip when first living with a person.

Agree with all of the above. But also, this guy is like very addicted to gaming. It can’t be healthy to game that much. He should really cut back and spend quality time with you.

^ I do have a question about that, does he have a job?

@Lizzie3456 that is also a big thing I wanted to bring up too. I want him to WANT to spend that time with me. @aurielle it’s a little complicated honestly. So he got accepted into a government program which basically pays him full salary while he’s in school without having to work, and he’s committed to them for 5 years after graduation. So technically he doesn’t have a job for the next year and a half.

@Lemongrass_ what do you anticipate his reaction with be to this conversation? I think if you feel that he will react badly and not be amenable to changing or seeing how he’s dropping the ball that that’s already a red flag in and of itself.

So he’s in school? When he does he study if he’s gaming 60+ hours a week?

@maeve_ I’m not afraid of how he’ll react really, he’s very understanding and caring about my feelings. I just have pretty bad anxiety with having conversations like these unfortunately (I currently see a therapist for my anxiety).

@bluerose9 he’s in an engineering major and takes really challenging classes, but he’s super smart with a near photographic memory so he tends to only need to study like a day before big exams (super jealous of that😂)

Update: the conversation went amazing! He was super understanding and apologized for not doing more around our home as well as talking about gaming less. Thank you everyone for your support!