I put some posts on the other day about mine and my boyfriend sex life deflating. For context we’ve been together 2 years, living together 4 months, have moderately busy lives, spend 90% of our mornings/bedtimes together in bed and both have relatively high sex drive. My boyfriend has been initiating sex much less frequently, and has told me that in the past few months he’s been masturbating anytime I’m not around. He would do it in the bathroom while I was in the other room, would do it if I left the house for even 20 minutes. He said when he feels the urge he can’t help himself. Is this healthy? We haven’t spoke about it extensively, but he has told me he wants to stop and be able to control it. I’ve not really thought of it much until recently, we spoke and he told me he’s been doing it pretty much daily, but we’ve only been having sex about once a week, and I’ve initiated the most recent times. I don’t know I just feel like a couple who live together should only really masturbate when their s/o is away for a bit, or they can’t have / don’t want sex but the other is in need of that release. How would you go about dealing with this situation?

I wouldn’t be very happy if my partner kept masturbating over having sex with me especially if I was in the room and willing to have sex. I think it’s completely normal to masturbate when ur partner isn’t around but I think if he is masturbating so much to the point where it’s effecting ur sex life and with you being in the room and still refusing you it’s a problem. There is a normal amount of masturbation and when it starts to become an issue. Do you know if he has a porn addiction? If I was in ur situation I would really have a conversation about your concerns on his masturbation patterns and communicate about it really effecting ur sex life and that you would like a better sex life.

Masturbation is normal and it doesn’t need any justification but the fact that it’s affecting him and your sex lives this much is very concerning. It might be a good idea for him to reach out to a sex therapist.

I agree with @Yi_eune, I think it's important to remember that masturbation isn't a replacement for sex. It's a different experience and everyone should have a sexual relationship with themselves even while they are in a relationship with another. But the fact that he says he can't control his urges at all isn't normal and is a bit concerning. I agree that speaking to a therapist would be beneficial to figure out what's going on.

@GhostfaceLov we spoke about it briefly and he said he thinks he is addicted to it because once he gets the thought in his mind he can’t get it out until he does it, so he can’t control it.

@Yi_eune @aurielle i agree as I also masturbate but not if the opportunity to have sex with my partner is there. Would you guys see an issue if you were masturbating every day and only engaging in sex once a week when your partner initiates it? Because we live together and can have sex literally whenever or he even knows I’ll be happy to jerk him off, I feel quite upset about it. I think everyone’s relationship is different so its tough

@Idra_56 sometimes the opportunity to have sex with my partner is there but I still masturbate because it's different. I might be too tired to have full-on sex, I might want to explore a fantasy through porn, or I just enjoy pleasuring myself because it feels different than partnered sex. So I don't see that as the problem, the issue is he can't control himself.

I wouldn’t say that masturbating all the time instead of having sex especially when ur partner is around is really a healthy sex life, but guess it depends on how often you want to have sex and how much ur happy with.