Hi idk if you ladies can advise me at all but my boyfriend and I haven’t had sex in about a year now.. it’s starting to affect our relationship I feel horrible because I know obviously he has his needs too and I just have no idea why I am never in the mood… I enjoy the actual sex part it’s more so the foreplay I’m not fully into.. it’s strange I know but I just have no idea why I just never want to do it

Maybe you aren’t as happy in your relationship as you used to be?

^ would be worth a deeper look into your relationship. If you would make a few changes in your relationship what would they be? Why don’t you like foreplay? Did something happen in your past that makes you feel that way or is he doing something that you don’t like or feel comfortable with or just doesn’t hit the spot? Could you do your own foreplay on your own and then just have sex with him? Would incorporating toys help? Have you tried anything else in the past year to make things work better sex wise and did they help, or have you literally not even tried one time to sex in that time?

I agree with @Yi_eune @bluerose9 how is your relationship outside of sex? Are you creating opportunities for romance, fun, and playfulness? Sex really needs that positive environment in order to happen. Foreplay isn't just physical, it's psychological. Also, is it possible that you are asexual or demisexual?

@Bakeadessert not a very helpful comment. There's no need to judge.

@aurielle @bluerose9 @Yi_eune we have definitely had a bit of a rocky road we’re dating 4 years so we’ve had our ups and downs and broke up once 2 years ago for a month lol but I wouldn’t say that I’m unhappy I adore him and he understands me I want to fulfill his needs. I have tried to and I’m just not fully into it and he can see that too and the last time we tried it hurt a lot to try and get “him” in. Sorry this is a lot of details lol

Is your bf father christmas? He only comes once a year too

@Ilovemygf umm not helpful or kind ??

@BreezyBoo have you talked openly about this situation with him? What does he think and does he have any ideas on how to help?

@bluerose9 foreplay I enjoy it for a few minutes and then it becomes a bit overwhelming. And yes he’s suggested maybe I go to the doctor or come off the pill I’ve reassured him it’s nothing to do with him it’s me and idk why I feel this way obviously he’s understandably a bit frustrated

@Ilovemygf nah I’m just a sex object 😻 when he asks for sex I object

Maybe it is that sex is not being pleasurable for you? I do think it can have something to do with the pill tho- it can decrease libido. Getting medical help can be useful :)

btw I have the problem you described earlier (getting it inside) and I’m coming off the pill to see if it helps- so you are not alone <3

@Ilovemygf “just joined” troll account

@BreezyBoo if you’re experiencing pain then it is an idea to see your doctor. Sex is not supposed to hurt if you receive enough foreplay. I experienced something similar to you but for me it happened because I wasn’t happy in my relationship anymore, as to why I asked you the question. Sex for women is to do with a lot of mental preparation.

@rosadias I enjoy the actual sex for the most part , for me I really enjoy it for a certain amount of time and then I’m just like I can’t wait for this to be over which is so horrible to say idk why I feel like that @Yi_eune totally, we’ve definitely had times where I wasn’t happy but we’ve spoke about it and got through it thank god lol but yea I think it might be time to see a doctor and maybe switch contraceptions

hi this probably isn’t what you want to hear . but i was with a boy for 2 and a half years we got together at 14 and broke up at 17. i loved him a lot and he was like my bestfriend. i always enjoyed the actual sex but never the lead up to it, however it would always hurt when we did it. turns out i just wasn’t sexually attracted to him which was confusing because i was attracted to him. i am now in a healthy relationship with someone i love a lot and feel that way for. its going to be hard but i think you should consider how happy you are in the relationship and if you can see it lasting longer with this problem you have. remember that no means no, men do not have needs. they have self restraint and if you don’t want to do it don’t let him pressure you into it.

What kind of stuff have you tried to actually improve your sex life or libido? There's so many things that can affect it, like others mentioned: your mental and physical health, meditation, age, stress levels, relationship status etc. But at the end of the day, effort needs to be made in order to actually get you "in the mood". Has there been effort made in making you feel desired and sexy? Do you masturbate in your free time? Do you orgasm during sex? Is sex exciting for you? Have you talked about new things to try and explore during sex? Are you happy in your relationship? Have you been on a romantic date recently? Are you under a lot of stress lately? Are you too tired from work/chores/responsibilities that sex feels like yet another chore? It should be exciting and something you look forward to. Honestly, foreplay should start much earlier than right before sex. It should be something that both partners do throughout the day, such as teasing touches, some sneaky kisses, dirty texts. It should be a great build up to a point where you both desire each other so much that you can't think straight and can't keep your hands off one another. Otherwise if you're just going straight to sex, you need at least 20-30 mins of foreplay focused on only YOU (mostly clitoral stimulation) in order for your body to be fully prepared for penetration. The vagina needs time to elongate and lubricate, you shouldn't force it. And if you experienced pain or discomfort before, your body subconsciously will also tense up the muscles there making penetration even more difficult. I highly recommend looking into resources (articles, podcasts, videos, books etc) shared by sex therapists and other professionals about libido etc. It's something that most people experience at some point in their lives, and there's lots of tips and advice available. For example, the book "Come as you are" is excellent at explaining how sexual desire works, how to improve your libido etc.

If sex gets boring after a while, it probably actually is. You need then remind yourself to be present in the moment, and to try new things. Doing the same 2-3 positions over and over again or him not even pleasuring and satisfying you would of course get boring and tiresome. Figure out what you need, and communicate. If it's all about him, of course you wouldn't even want sex because it doesn't satisfy your needs.