Hey everyone! So me and my boyfriend have been dating for 8 and a half years since we were 15. We’ve only ever been with each other. Recently for the last few months our sex hasn’t been as frequent as it used to be and when we do have sex notice he didn’t seem into it - more so seeming in his head a lot. We have had numerous conversations about trying to be more frequent and feeling less pressure about sex because I feel like sometimes there’s a pressure on couples to have sex every so often. But recently he’s told me the reason he hasn’t had a high sex drive is because he’s been experiencing very low self-esteem. I want to do everything I can to help him but I’m not sure what to do. Every time I try to initiate it he always says “tomorrow” and then I back off and we then just cuddle. I am always there for him and if he says no I respect it. But again I have to remember I need to think about myself as well. I love him with my whole heart and I want to help him but I’m just not sure what to do. I’m trying everything I can and nothing seems to be working. I’m wondering if anymore has had this issue before and how you approached it. I care more about him feeling good about himself than our frequency in sex. I care a lot about him, but again I do get frustrated at time when I’m by myself as sometimes it’s weeks until we have sex. I’m trying not to be selfish but I feel when I’m alone I feel like I get upset about it and frustrated because I feel like there’s nothing I can do and I can’t keep going like this. I’m hoping I can get some advice on how to approach this and what I should do. I want to help him and our relationship.

If he hasn’t already then maybe he should consider going to therapy to talk to someone about how he’s feeling

@Monkeybutt63 he won’t. He says he likes to deal with things himself. Doesn’t want help. Am I being selfish for getting somewhat frustrated? I try to help but he doesn’t want it.

I don't think this is something you can fix for him. I understand that that's frustrating, but he has to take the lead on working on this. I think it's time to take a step back and ask him how he would like to be supported and stop putting a lot of pressure on yourself to fix it.

^ this is like something you won’t be able to help him with. It’s his own issue. Yes it’s okay to be sexually frustrated. But I don’t think you adding pressure on him is going to help at all. Imagine being with him for the rest of your life. There’s bound to be ups and down in both of yalls libidos. That’s just what’s happening now. I’d suggest getting a toy if you don’t have one. There’s also others ways to please your partners other than penetrative sex. You can try including new things in the bedroom if he’s open to trying that. If it’s his self esteem maybe try exercising together? Or something to improve the root cause of the low self esteem? But ultimately you can’t make him change it had to happen on his own

@Liv420 no it’s a totally valid response especially if he’s not willing to get help.

@stinaaa yes I get that for sure. But everytime I offer an idea he always shuts it down. This has been happening since March. I’m doing everything I can. I’m there for him all the time. But sometimes I need to think about myself and I haven’t been at all in this. Since March I’ve been by his side supporting him and putting no pressure what so ever. But again, I think I need to think about myself too. I don’t bring it up wit him which is why I came here. But I don’t know what to do anymore. He says it’s going to take a while. But he’s not telling me anything and sorta just leaving me out in the dark. He says he needs to work on himself but he doesn’t want to tell me what that is. He pushes himself away from me constantly now. I am always there for him. But he’s never there for me. We’ve been together a long time. I love him I really do, but I’m at a point now where if he won’t let me help him what am I suppose to do? I’m making myself suffer. I don’t feel happy. I want to feel wanted and I haven’t since the beginning of the year and he never gives me an explanation and it’s frustrating. Sorry I’m going on a rant bc I just feel like there’s no where else I can talk about this. I appreciate your feedback. I’m just not sure what to do moving forward. I believe I need to be happy myself and if he won’t let me help him I’m stuck on what to do.

@Monkeybutt63 I hate feeling like I’m starting to resent him and feel selfish. But if he’s not letting me help him, not telling me what I can do, not telling me what’s wrong how am I suppose to help? I don’t want to seem like an awful person saying this but I’ve learned in the last few days that I am not happy with how things are. This is draining me. I don’t feel wanted and in a relationship it’s important to feel wanted. He hasn’t initiated in months and when I try to he shuts it down and I am of course okay with that I am never angry. But I need to think of myself now and how this is making me feel. I appreciate having the support for you amazing people on this app. I just don’t want to seem like an awful person o for thinking these things but if I’m not happy what am I meant to do? Are these feelings valid? Am I allowed to be selfish? I’m a very sexual person and he use to be as well. And something changed in him and I have no idea what he never tells me anything so how am I meant to help him? How am I meant to get better if I don’t see things getting better or my needs being met? I have met his needs for the last 5 months constantly. But I’m shutting myself out and it’s starting to get to me.

@aurielle I try. I would never pressure him ever to have sex or meet my needs. I always put him first. Always. And always have. If I initiate and he says no I push back and never get angry. I am okay with it bc I know he’s going through something but I just don’t know what. 5 months is a long time for a boyfriend to tell you he’s just not in the mood and to never tell me why. This is affecting my mental state and my confidence. I have tried everything I have. I don’t know what more I can do. I need to start thinking of myself now. I have thought about him for 5 months meanwhile I’ve been forgotten about. A relationship is meant to be about two people. When I try to help he gets mad. If I’m not given an answer idk how to help. I’ve been patient. I’ve been supportive. And I’ve been loving. I’ve been with him through everything recently. I’m starting to feel like an awful person for almost resenting him? But my therapist told me it’s okay for me to feel these things because I am human too. I am allowed to feel frustrated. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Does anyone have any advice on what I should do for myself? I need to put myself first now. Should I take a step back? Should I ignore my feelings to help him? Do I bring up how I’m feeling to him? I really don’t want to bring up my feelings to him bc then he will get angry probably bc I’m “making it about myself” .. it’s been 8 and a half years. It’s hard for me to just leave over something like this. Is this a big issue? Idk what to do. I’m really struggling on my next steps. Do I put myself first?

While I agree with everyone else that putting pressure on him isn’t good & you can’t help to fix it, I don’t think it’s unreasonable that you’re starting to become frustrated if he doesn’t want therapy and hasn’t communicated what he plans to do to deal with his issues or how you can work together to find a solution (like intimacy without sex) with you. I think you should speak to him again to tell him how you feel, ask how you can support him & how he can work on his mental health. If you don’t see him making any effort to help himself or the relationship after months then I would reconsider the relationship x

@Awg1 I agree but it’s hard to come with terms with that. After 8 and a half years only boyfriend I’ve ever been with. Only person I’ve been intimate with. It’s difficult for me to picture my life without him. I’m scared to loose him.

This is a really difficult situation to be in 😣 I think you need to open up to him a bit more and tell how you’re feeling. Both your feelings are important. Maybe taking some time to yourself might help, if you do decide to do that you need to make sure that’s properly communicated with him and what kind of communication there will be between you during that period of time. Sounds like you’re a bit overwhelmed and stressed about it all right now, so taking a step back and taking care of yourself might help

I’m sorry you’re going through this hun. There’s only so much we can take before we have to admit it’s time to move on. You’re saying you’re unhappy. Trust yourself. Trust that feeling. We have no control over others. Only ourselves. You seem so set on helping him or changing him for the better. But honestly that may never happen. It’s up to him. Maybe you’re not suppose to help. Relationships are a two way street and from what you’ve said it doesn’t seem like he’s putting in any effort. There’s nothing more to do after that. You’ve tried. You can’t reach someone who isn’t trying to reach for you. His growth may never come from you. But breakups can lead to lots of growth. Also can you expand on what you mean by meeting his needs? Like sexually? Of course your feelings are valid. And yes you should be selfish in putting yourself and your needs first. If you don’t no one else ever will. We can only rely on ourselves. I don’t think you should ignore your feelings. I would recommend expressing that if nothing in the relationship changes, you are no longer benefiting from it. You see more for yourself and your partner. And this isn’t it anymore. It’s okay to grow out of people. Change is part of life. And if he gets mad, do you really want to just keep dealing with it? Cause it doesn’t sound like you do. It sounds like you’re done. There are consequences to not putting in effort and not communicating. People show you exactly who they are. Is this who you want as a partner/best friend/other half forever? Do what’s best for you.

Thank you everyone for your advice and input. I appreciate the support this app brings.