Worried I flirted with my fiancés coworker when I got drunk two months ago. My fiancé said it wasn’t a big deal but essentially I asked his coworker if he thought I was fat and I sought out validation from another man… I can’t get it out of my head. I posted this on Reddit and everyone was telling me I’m disrespectful and I’m just beside myself

Reddit is a pretty harsh environment, I would take it with a pinch of salt. As long as things are good within your relationship, then what others think is irrelevant. I would recommend therapy to get the root of why you’re looking for validation from others and to stop it from happening again like that.

@bluerose9 do you think me disrespecting my fiancé means I need to leave him? I worry that I’ll continue to search for validation but maybe therapy will help this

@Sparkles14 are you serious? I think that’s a big jump. I don’t think asking a random person what they think of your body while drunk and then regretting it is something that should cause a relationship to end. Unless there’s other issues and that’s just the last straw. Like do you think you need to leave your fiance? Does your fiance want to end the relationship?

I think this is something you need to be talking to your partner about. Don’t make decisions on you and your relationship based on the opinions of random people on the internet. This is your relationship, not theirs. If you’re worried you’re going to do this again then i definitely recommend therapy, professional support would be the best way make changes and understand why you are doing what you’re doing. In the meantime maybe you’re best to avoid/reduce alcohol for a bit.

@bluerose9 no no no!! I love him he’s my best friend!! I’m just worried that me seeking out attention and getting more compliments from men and that feeling more validating than getting from my fiancé, friends or family is concerning. I’m beating myself up over it. I struggle with anxiety and I think I’m overthinking the matter

@Sparkles14 yes in my opinion you’re overthinking this a lot. Maybe looking for opinions on here and Reddit is another way you’re looking for external validation? Your fiance said it’s not a big deal, so he’s obviously not dwelling on it. Is a reason why you’re being so unkind to yourself here?

@bluerose9 I guess like I knew my intentions were to seek the validation felt more validating from other men rather than my fiancé and it’s making me feel terrible. I know in relationships eb and flow and I know the honeymoon phase leaves. I just want to go back to how things were prior to this night out

@bluerose9 my fiancé said it hurt him a little but nothing to leave me over

How is asking someone if they think you are fat flirting? I’m very confused about this entire situation because that does not sound like flirting whatsoever. You said your partner told you it wasn’t a big deal and now you tell us it hurt him? Doesn’t add up there. I definitely agree with @bluerose9 that you should seek out counselling for your overthinking.

@Yi_eune I guess it was because I knew this guy was pretty toxic and misogynistic toward women to the point that when i was drunk i was like it would be validating if this piece of crap thought I wasn’t ugly which is really embarrassing and gross. My fiancé said it’s truly not a big deal but that he felt a little insecure over it but nothing bad

@Sparkles14 I don’t know about others but what you did is not flirting. You were drunk, vulnerable and asked someone a question, that’s it really. It is definitely not worth beating yourself up over it neither is it something to consider leaving your partner over. I don’t think what you did was wrong as nothing makes it sound like you had any romantic intentions with this interaction. Just some (innocent) validation from someone who happened to be a (terrible) guy. People simply seek out acceptance and connection, and have a fear of isolation.

@Yi_eune I think I’m also beating myself up because I was also like playfully slapped him and like rolled his sleeve up to look at his tattoo. And like in the past I’ve enjoyed getting compliments or feeling desirable still especially because I’ve been struggling with my self confidence. My fiancé has never been uncomfortable with it but I feel like I took this instance too far

@Sparkles14 ah those are important details to share. It might have been a bit far but you realised and admitted for being wrong. That’s part of self growth. It is not an excuse but the end of the day it sounds like you were just extremely vulnerable since you were drunk so I’d definitely control your alcohol intake in the future. As for your self confidence; professional counselling can help with that as well. I think for now you just have to accept that it happened and look for what you can do to prevent this from ever happening again, like alcohol intake, you can have a good time without getting drunk. It’s been 2 entire months and your partner said it’s no big deal, so it’s time to move on and focus on yourself and your relationship. Definitely seek out professional help though, it sounds like it could help you in more ways than one.

@Yi_eune I think you’re right. Do you think the same goes how compliments feel better coming from outside people rather than my fiancé/ family?

@Sparkles14 I personally feel like compliments from strangers stay with me more as they aren’t “biased” so to say.

@Sparkles14 I personally don't think that liking compliments or enjoying feeling desirable are things to feel bad about. I think it's perfectly natural to want that sometimes. I get that this was a toxic guy and that's not ideal but as long as this is not your ONLY source of validation and you're working on your self-confidence it's not a big deal. People are never 100% perfectly confident self-validating with no insecurities. That's not a realistic ideal to hold yourself too. Having a moment where you wanted a guy to make you feel desirable is not a crime. You're working on it and seem very self-aware so it's okay to accept this and move on.

@aurielle I guess what gets me is that I sought it out and was a little flirty like nothing like “oh you’re cute” but just the banter and again what I mentioned above. I freaked myself out because I’m like well why would I do all of this if I love my fiancé. And then that spiraled into more nonsense