I’m someone who personally doesn’t like when their partner watches porn and today my boyfriend left evidence by accident that he had masturbated when I popped out the house for literally an hour. He knows how I feel about this because I feel like it affects our sex life, and makes me feel a bit deflated. He doesn’t really initiate sex with me anymore and it’s been a week since we’ve done anything, but the second I left he masturbated to porn. He said a few months ago, when I found other evidence, that he was going to stop. He’s just admitted that he has an addiction and I’m not too sure how to react. I told him I don’t want to be with someone like that as it makes me upset and he just got up and walked off. Any advice?

At the end of the day you cannot control what he does, but if he has admitted to an addiction that affects his every day life he should try and get professional help. Just “banning” porn isn’t going to make things better, he needs to seek actual help for his addiction. If he doesn’t get help and just continues on while it affects your relationship then it might be best to just end things and go separate ways. If he does get help then you have the option to stick around until things get better, but it might take a while, so it’s up to you whether you want to invest more time.

Does he ever have privacy to masturbate? Do you give each other space to do that? Masturbation and sex with your partner are two different things and personally I think you need space for both in a relationship to have a healthy sex life. Masturbating gives each partner a chance to reconnect with their sexuality and explore fantasies which can positively contribute to partnered sex. I don't think it's a good idea to restrict masturbating and expect your partner to always have sex with you instead. There should be a balance of both. I'm also curious what he defines as "addiction," if he never has a chance to masturbate so he does it when you leave the house that's a normal response to being restricted. I don't know your relationship and maybe this is really affecting your sex life but just from this post it also seems like your attitude toward porn and masturbation is also having an effect. Telling him you don't want to be with him because of this was probably quite hurtful to hear. I think it's important to talk this out and find ways to improve your sex life that don't involve banning porn and masturbation.

@aurielle unfortunately my view on porn consumption in a relationship isn’t going to change. While I wish I could be okay with it, it makes me feel deflated and undesired when my boyfriend doesn’t initiate anything sexual with me but jumps at his first opportunity to masturbate to porn. If it didn’t affect our sex life at all then perhaps I wouldn’t be so bothered by it, but he’s clearly not as attracted to me and during sex he struggles to finish due to what I assume is the use of porn altering his perspective of sex in a relationship. Furthermore, we have videos of us having sex which he could use to masturbate, but he doesn’t. So he doesn’t have sex with me and he doesn’t masturbate to me. That’s my issue. While I understand your perspective of porn is based on your usage, I believe my boyfriend doesn’t watch it with the mindset that it will benefit our sex life.

@Milaxoc_ if you are against porn in a relationship then you definitely need to date people who share that same view. You're just not compatible if this is a dealbreaker for you and your views aren't going to change.

Do you masturbate or watch porn in your own free time? Do you ever initiate sex or always wait for him to do it? Is sex exciting for both of you or has it become boring and mundane? Have you communicated about your sex life and things that you both wish to try and explore?

I think you did the right thing by not dealing with his porn addiction. He doesn’t seem like he wanted to get help for it or even cared about ur feelings towards it. You DO NOT have to be okay with it, it is a very disrespectful action to do towards ur partner. I would never be okay with my partner watching porn and I don’t either out of respect. Masturbation IS normal but he doesn’t need the porn to do that.

Unfortunately you’re not compatible. If it’s truly a dealbreaker then the next step is to break up and in the future, only date people who don’t consume porn.

how do you know he was watching porn? If you’re not comfortable with a partner watching it, and your partner wont change, unfortunately it is something you either need to accept or this is not the person and relationship for you

Have you spoken to him about why he doesn’t initiate sex? There’s many things that can affect sex drive, it’s likely nothing to do with the porn unless he’s watching it daily. I think the real issues here are lack of communication & insecurities, rather than porn.

@xNymphadora i do occasionally masturbate, i don’t watch porn. I initiate sex and we both enjoy it. He has communicated a couple times things he wants to try and we have. I’m happy with our sex life there’s nothing I’d want to add. Minus the fact it’s becoming less regular @greenwitch because I asked him and he said he does. He said he wants to change but sometimes he feels the urge and does it. @Awg1 he has told me that he doesn’t feel horny, that’s why he doesn’t initiate it. But he has admitted to masturbating a lot. I’m not sure he watched it daily, but I think whenever he feels the urge for sex he turns to porn. I think he’s got into a cycle now where he does this and so he’s becoming less and less interested in sex with me. Because he prefers what he sees on a screen to what I give him.