Hey, I am at a complete loss and I really don’t know what to do. My bf and I (both 21) have been together nearly 4 years. At the start of our relationship we made a big effort not to over commit and to keep our own identities however, as time has gone on and we’ve gotten older, it’s starting to bother me that I am not a priority. I would say I am priority No3. He rarely makes time for me, we live 20mins away from each other and we see each other 2x a week. He says this is more than normal for other couples our age. In his defence, he is a busy person. I have raised this issue countless times and he says that he’ll put more effort in, and the next week it’ll be great and then it’ll go back to normal until I bring it up again. I always suggest maybe just going for lunch or dinner if he doesn’t have loads of time but he ‘doesn’t like spontaneous plans’. I also have been wanting to take the next step in the relationship, by moving in together. He says he isn’t ready and doesn’t see himself being ready for at least 2 more years. I feel like the penny dropped recently that he doesn’t care enough to spend time with me, or to do what he needs to do to be ready to take the next steps in our relationship regardless of how I feel. And looking to our future, if we do move in together in a couple years, am I going to continue waiting for him to be ready for marriage and children? And I going to spend my life putting everything I want on hold, waiting for him to be ready. The problem is, that I really do love him and I really do see and want a future with him but I just don’t understand why he 1. won’t change anything about the relationship and 2. doesn’t want to see me more often. I went to him with the intention of going on a break a couple days ago to give us both time to really figure out what we want, and he said he didn’t see the severity in what I was feeling, despite having told him at least 7 times previously, how much it hurts my feelings. I don’t really understand why I have to do a whole song and dance about issues for him to realise how serious I am? When our relationship is good, it’s really good. He really is my best friend. And I have no idea what to do?

If you’re not getting what you want or need from a relationship or partner, have brought it up multiple times and nothing has changed, then you have two options: accept he and your relationship will not change and just put up with it, or decide you will not accept that and end the relationship. He’s made it very clear he’s not going to change. Obviously you want/need different things from a relationship, and that’s okay, but you don’t have to stay in a relationship that isn’t making you feel valued, listened to or understood, It’s irrelevant that he doesn’t think it’s serious enough to break up for. If it’s serious enough for you then that’s enough. You don’t need his permission to end the relationship, if you want to end it you can just end it, it’s over whether he agrees or not. Absolutely do NOT put your life on hold for someone who doesn’t make you feel valued or important in their life. You definitely will regret doing that.

I think seeing each other twice a week is plenty but I totally see how you are on different pages about taking the next steps in the relationship and moving in together. You say you are 21 and been together 4 years? So that means you've been dating since you were 17? A LOT of changing and growing up happens in those years and my guess is that you are simply growing in different directions and want different things. You are interested in a serious relationship that moves to the next level and he isn't ready for that yet, which is also fair imo because you're both still very young. If you want different things from the relationship and have different outlooks/goals in life you can't convince him to see things the same way as you do. It's time to move on and go your separate ways.

Just because you have feelings for someone doesn’t mean you have to be in a relationship with them. If they are not enhancing your life ✂️✂️ time to cut them off Doesn’t sound like you want the same things. And you’re too young to waste your time. Sorry good luck with breaking up!

I was in a similar situation and he inevitably broke up with me and I was blindsided because he was talking to other people behind my back all while telling me I was foolish for thinking it was crazy he didn’t put more effort into us. You’re young. Save yourself the heartache now and move on. He will not change and move in with you, he likes his freedom and doing what he wants to do (including seeing you on his terms). He’s not willing to compromise.

Sounds like you’ve both grew up to be different people with different needs. It’s easy to get comfortable in a routine with a familiar person but love is not enough to save a relationship. I mean, he wasn’t even worried when you brought up the subject of a break and he still hasn’t changed anything about the relationship. Him not feeling ready to move in until you’ve been together for 6+ years when you’re currently ready is another reason that makes me think he isn’t committed to this as much as you are. I think you need to follow on your word and break up. It will be hard but you’re still young and you will be okay in the end.