TW: SA I am literally freaking out. I lost my virginity to a sexual assault situation. I am now dating someone and every time we get intimate I am unable to enjoy anything and besides, sex is awfully painfu, including fingering. My doctor said there wasn’t a visible reason for the sex to be so painful, I did not tell her about the SA tho. Please someone give me a clue :(

I’m so sorry that happened to you. Is your partner aware of what happened? It’s understandable that your body shuts down because of the trauma you have. Would you be open to talking to a professional? Just pushing through won’t make things better. As for the painful sex: are you receiving at least 20-30 minutes of foreplay when you’re attempting to have sex? Do you get lubricated? Our bodies need (mental) preparation in order to be made ready for penetration. Are you fully there when you’re about to have sex? Are you able to relax? (It’s understandable if you can’t) Are you using lube? There is still a few things to try if that is what you want.

I would definitely recommend talking to a mental health professional about this.

My partner is aware. Although I said it happened 1 year ago when it only happened 2 months ago…. When we have sex I express pain but he insists and says “it has to open up”. I don’t get it. I plan on talking about it with a mental health professional, but because it wasn’t a long time ago it hasn’t been easy and it took a while to sink in.

I am so sorry you experienced this. That must be terrible. I felt similar with my ex boyfriend and our sex life. It was super painful (almost like ripping or burning, even when he used fingers instead) and I was almost in tears. now, I am with somebody who puts foreplay with me first every single time. We do that for atleast 10-15 minutes beforehand and that always is enough to make it less painful. I’m not sure how stable or healthy your relationship is, but that was definitely a problem for me with my ex. Talking to a mental health professional is 100% a great idea on your part. I’m proud of you for that decision.

I had a similar situation. If you trust and feel comfortable with your boyfriend, I think it would be a good idea to be honest about when this happened. If you feel you have to hide it, it’s just going to add another layer of shame to the equation. For me, I had some sort of mental-physical block where he couldn’t get it in, I think it’s from the trauma but I never got diagnosed or anything. What eventually helped for me was just time, trust, and being comfortable with my boyfriend. If I ever was distressed he would immediately stop and hold me. I agree with everyone in talking to a professional, maybe someone with experience in SA situations! But just know, it gets better :)

Thank you so much for your help everyone:)

@Leolea wait it’s been that recent?? Girl I’m so sorry and please take care of yourself and don’t push yourself to have sex already. It’s not worth the stress it will cause. We are here for you if you ever need to talk. It’s a red flag that your partner doesn’t take your pain seriously and trying to continue. He seems to be clueless how the female body functions. It would be a good idea for him to educate himself about sex.. because it sounds like he’s never touched a woman in his life. Have you been together long? Does he treat you right?

I’m so sorry that happened to you. Sometimes people can develop vaginismus as a result from SA, which could explain the physical discomfort. When you are ready to talk about it, a mental health professional would be a great option. There’s also some therapists and professionals that specialize in SA victims

@Yi_eune i am really lost. I think my boyfriend pressures me to do stuff every time we are together, and that really messes with my brain. We have only been together for 2 months. He never takes me out on dates or regular stuff. It’s all about sneaking out and having sex…. I don’t know how to deal with it

Doesn’t sound like someone you want a relationship with. Sounds like a guy that’s just using you and not caring about your feelings. You DO NOT need that right now. Stop dating him. That’s not okay. He sounds like he could also SA you. Kinda sounds like coercion. You shouldn’t be having sex like this. It’s not supposed to be this way.

I don’t recommend having any sex with anyone right now till you fully digest and heal with what happened. And it also may have been helpful to fill your doctor in on those details. But I understand why you didn’t as well. This is something traumatic you went through and you need to take time to care for yourself after that experience. I’m so sorry this happened to you.

I am just so confused right now. He tells me that he loves me and can’t stay away from me everyday and he’s scared of losing me but then his actions don’t match his worlds. Also I was SA by a friend and I was drugged and he still sends me messages and all of this is ending me. I really can’t stand it anymore.

Block block block. Get away from it all. You need support right now not mind games. You need to find your support system and lean on them. Not some mf that just wants you for sex. You won’t heal like this.

@Xoxoaeb22 from what you’ve said your boyfriend is not helping you in this situation and is NOT the kind of person you need right now. Please put yourself first.

@Leolea completely agree with everyone else, and actions not matching words is a big red flag in a relationship. I don't think this guy is treating you well, he is re-traumatizing you instead of helpijg you heal, and I agree that he sounds like he could also SA you

Sounds like the best thing to do would be to dump your boyfriend. Like said above, he’s making the situation worse. And I agree he honestly sounds like he could be a predator too. If you end the relationship (which I strongly think you should) do it in a public place where you have your own transportation home after, or better yet, over the phone/text. You deserve a relationship where you feel safe and valued and a partner who prioritizes your pleasure as much as their own. And you aren’t going to find it with this guy. It’s only two months in. This early, people are showing you the best of themselves. If this is his best, you do NOT need to stick around and see his worst. I honestly would NOT recommend telling this partner about your past SA, because he sounds like the type that would use it against you/use it to say “well that’s why sex isn’t good for you” etc and try to “justify” his focus only being on himself. He really doesn’t sound like someone you should entrust that information to. And for the friend that violated your trust and hurt you, I am so sorry this happened to you. And that you’re continuing to be triggered by your partner who should be mindful of your needs and your pleasure instead of focusing on just himself. I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. There are people and resources available to help, check out the link for more info. Wishing you the best 💜 {BRutfnNJR}

@Leolea someone that loves you will do anything to show you that they do. You’re supposed to be in your honeymoon phase and you’re having doubts (and rightfully so!) so it’s best to cut it off and focus on yourself. This guy doesn’t have the respect for you that you deserve. Take care 💖💖💖

Everything has been said already so I just want to send you love and support, a lot of us have been through similar things and I promise it gets better. Put yourself first, you’re the most important person of your life. ♥️

Thank you everyone, really. For helping me and making things more clear for me ❤️‍🩹