Hi everyone I need help. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years now. Sounds like too long but we are high school sweethearts so we wanted to grow up and mature before taking next steps. Well we are getting engaged soon and planning the engagement party then wedding. Engagement party will be in my backyard and around 150 people all close family / friends. Around 12 people are from his side and rest from me lol. Well here comes the issue with the wedding. I have always dreamt of a big wedding however due to high costs in California this will not be possible. My boyfriend and I decided to do a destination wedding in Italy due to the lower number of people coming and cost savings. We told his parents this and they have absolutely flipped out. We have also told them that we are fully financing their trip including, flights, hotel, and spending money. This will be for all 7 of his immediate family. They are still saying no and we don’t know what to do. They think we can have a small little backyard wedding or a tiny park wedding here to make them happy but then i wouldn’t be able to invite my close family (approx 150 people) and I’d have to give up my dream wedding. What should I do?

Do you what you and your partner want to do. This is your life and your wedding, not theirs. Offering to finance the entire thing for them is very generous and if they’re choosing to not go, that’s their loss. What is their issue with it? Do they not have the time off work to attend? Does every single person in his family feel the same way?

They have never traveled anywhere before is one issue and the second issue is they don’t feel comfortable with us financing the trip but they can’t afford it otherwise :(

Also my boyfriend obviously wants his parents at his wedding and they say they will not attend if it is over seas. I feel like he’s trapped between affordability for us to have a dream wedding and his parents

Is there anyway to compromise on the finances ? You pay for their flights and they cover the hotel etc ?

I don’t think they’ll budge on it they live unfortunately pay check to pay check :( the sad part for me we travel quite often and have always said we would love to finance a full vacation for them to travel with us somewhere in the world and they have always seemed so excited for that but now that the time has come they refuse completely and are extremely mean about it. My parents can’t do it either but we offered the same to them and one of my aunts and they have been nothing but absolutely excited and thankful

They think we have to have it in California but we have looked at nearly every nice venue and the minimum costs will all be over 50k for the amount of people… if we do Italy it would be a fraction + a fully family vacation

Ultimately you need to do what’s right from you. I do think you’ll regret it if you let them dictate how your wedding happens. It’s your wedding and it’s your money. If they’re too proud to accept the financial help then unfortunately there’s not much you can do. I assume you’ve tried to talk to them several times and nothings changed. One of the risks of a destination wedding is that not everyone will be able to make it. This is obviously not how you want it to be and I totally get that this is really hurtful. Is having a party of some kind with just his side before or after the wedding an option?

How long would the trip be for & did they give you a reason why they’re against it? I do think Italy is quite a long way to go for a wedding and is a little unreasonable to expect everyone to be ok with travelling there. Have you considered a destination that’s a bit closer like Mexico or the DR for example? Of course it’s your wedding though and up to you where you do it, it’s generous that you’re offering to finance it all so it’s disappointing if they haven’t given a real reason. It just depends on what you’d prefer, dream location or all your loved ones there. Hopefully there’s a compromise somewhere.

For a compromise I'd do a small and low-key backyard event just for his family and then your destination wedding in Italy.

I think if you’re doing a destination wedding you have to accept some people are not going to want to go or won’t be able to make it due to costs. If his parents won’t budge then they are well within their rights. I think you can do a small backyard event like @aurielle said but if that’s not within your budget and you’re set on Italy then you’ll have to just accept some people aren’t going to make it.

I agree with aurielle, you could do a smaller more intimate ceremony/gathering with the family to compromise, and you can do what you want and go to Italy. I fear you may regret it if you do not do what you dreamt of. A wedding is a one time event with your partner and you should make the most of it how YOU want, since it’s your wedding!

@aurielle ok so I totally agree with you except this was something we brought up originally when they said no.. we said we would have a reception/ religious ceremony (we are both a different religion then his parents) in Italy and then when we are back we would happily get back in our wedding dress and suit and have a civil court house marriage and celebration here for his family. His mom started bawling that her family is just an after thought and we aren’t doing anything for them. She’s very manipulative. The trip would be however long they’d like whether it be 4 days or a week. Whatever they’re comfortable with all we would have in Italy is a welcome dinner the night before and then the wedding. Both religious ceremony and reception on the same day.. yesterday as we planned the backyard engagement party my boyfriend was just telling them how we are paying for lights, food, and flowers (that we would DIY ourselves not from a florist) she began hysterically crying that my culture is too much (they’re white im middle eastern) and that she can’t afford to help him pay for anything. Mind you we never asked for one penny from his parents. She even suggested we don’t have an engagement party and just do things the “white” way and have him propose privately and no celebration because all I care about is being “boujee”. The reality is I’ve done everything in the most affordable way possible. I never asked anyone for anything. This is awful. She’s a very manipulative woman and he doesn’t see it that way because it’s his mom. I’m to the point where if you don’t want come that’s on you and I genuinely should stop caring because I have done everything to compromise.

I think that’s exactly what you have to keep telling yourself. It’s unfortunately up to him to set boundaries with his family and if he’s not willing to do that then this is just something you’re going to have to deal with until she dies.

Do what you want with your wedding and it’s up to them if they want to attend or not. You’ve already tried compromising and it seems his mother isn’t looking for a compromise but instead to guilt trip her son and manipulate him.

@Z_xoxo that's horrible that she's making it about your culture. You guys have been together for a while so you're probably already aware but this is a preview of how your in-laws are going to react to your other major life decisions like having kids, buying a house, etc. Your fiance is going to have to figure out a way to deal with this and if he can't see to some extent that his mom is being dramatic and manipulative that's going to make things very difficult. Yes, it's his mom but he needs to be able to see things from your perspective too and stand with you. You guys need to be a team. I agree with @maeve_ your plan sounds completely reasonable and its time to firmly set the boundary and say this is what we're doing and that's it.

I think that’s what we do and I feel so bad for him because at the end of the day no one wants to get married if their parents aren’t there :( I know I would be devastated if my parents reacted that way but my parents are nothing but happy and excited. My boyfriend said let’s get quotes from everywhere in Italy we like and put it in a PowerPoint then take them to speak to the venues directly here to see for themselves how insane prices are here and see it with their own eyes what we’re going through

I think before you guys get married it would really do you well to speak about setting boundaries with his family and really having a deep conversation about the manipulation he is going through. If your partner is unwilling or unable to see it then it’s really going to cause issues for you guys in the future. He needs to set boundaries with his family and protect his new created family with you. If he doesn’t know how to do that or is scared to then therapy would be a great tool for him to learn that 1. It’s okay to set boundaries even with your family/parents and 2. How to effectively set and hold boundaries

You might want to consider you will be marrying someone who is not currently protecting you from his mom/family’s nasty comments….If he isn’t seeing the manipulation now, he will not later. Like others said, you need to have a serious conversation about this. Think about it, are they gonna have comments about how you’ll give birth and raise your kids too? And is your fiancé gonna support you through it? Do not change everything about your wedding just to please them. You went above and beyond by offering to finance everything already.

@UncrushableP you’re right absolutely rights I feel like we were generous enough to even finance a whole trip

@Z_xoxo you’ve done what you can really. If they don’t want to attend, have the wedding without them. Their loss. They will forever regret abandoning such a special moment for their son. However: they will also resent you for going through with it. So it is something that will probably be brought up for the remainder of their time on earth. It’s time for your boyfriend to prioritise himself and his new life and set boundaries with his family who know exactly how to manipulate him to try and get what they want.

He definitely needs to show that he’s willing to set boundaries before you marry him, as that is a major thing. I am still curious what their reasoning is for not going though & if other destinations were considered? A 20+ hour journey with a big time difference is very intense for a 4-7 day trip with a big event in it (maybe I’m too used to living in Europe though) for people not used to travelling far/older people. I don’t agree with their reaction at all as it is your wedding but I’m not surprised they’re upset by the choice. What does your bf want to do?

@Awg1 I said 4-7 to make it quick for them since they don’t travel but I would pay for 2 weeks for them if that’s what they wanted. He wants to do Italy one because it’s significantly more cost effective, it will be a much smaller more intimate wedding, a huge family vacation and because it is going to be more beautiful than any options here in California in our budget :/ I feel so bad for him. He said you either gain a daughter from my marriage or you’ll loose a son. He also said he has been more than generous to offer this much financially and now it is purely their choice to not go. He’s really upset seeing how happy and excited my family is to go and how unhappy his family is. We offered a civil wedding here and small celebration with his side but that made them feel like they’re an afterthought for some reason. Nothing will make them happy and he’s over it too

"An afterthought"? You would think they’re the ones getting married not you….I strongly advise you to stick with your plans because even if you cave in to their wishes, I have the feeling that they’d still find something to complain about. I’m petty, I would have told them to get lost the second they made negative comments about your culture. How does your fiancé feel about that?

@UncrushableP it really affects him badly in 8 years I’ve seen him cry may be 3 times ever and this scenario was one of them I feel bad because he still lives with them so he has to see them and hear these things from them regularly… I feel bad because sometimes it makes me feel like should we go our separate ways to make his life easier but he always reassures me no this is something they need to deal with