In need of some ideas? Me and my boyfriend are really good at communicating when there’s an issue. And we’ve had a particular situation come up about a previous boy I’d been seeing way before I met my boyfriend. But it’s bothered him and he’s asked me questions about it and I’ve answered them honestly. But he says that he feels less of a man now because of what I’ve told him and the stuff he now knows. I explained that him asking questions to begin with is pointless if he knows the answers will upset him. But I also know it’s difficult hearing about someone you love be used and once being weak and not standing up for themselves. But I guess I want to make him feel more of a man how can I do this?

You’re exactly right that if he’s going to be bothered by the answers, he shouldn’t ask. This guy that you talked to BEFORE your boyfriend really should not be a cause for concern for him. If he’s getting upset knowing what happened with other guys before him, then he should reconsider being in a relationship. I’m not saying to break up, but it really seems like he’s overreacting in my opinion.

It makes him feel less manly because you were with other guys? What

It’s not on you to make him feel more of a man, it’s his responsibility to examine why he thinks his manliness is dependent on your past relationships. That’s a toxic mentality to have, and something he needs to work on if he’s going to be able to move forward from it.

Wait, he feels less of a “man” because you were used? I’m confused how did this turn all about him?

I had this in my last relationship, it got worse as time went on. Used this against me. So please reconsider this

I told him not to associate that person with me and even see that I’m a different person now. As in I wouldn’t stand for people messing me around. I told him not to focus on the past because the future is more important but he says I should reflect on my past more so I appreciate the things I have now? Which I don’t really understand because I do appreciate and value him and what he brings to my life but I don’t think reflecting on previous partners who treat me badly is a healthy mindset?

@Nara_1996 what? You should “reflect on your past so you appreciate the things you have now”? You don’t need to go through a tough or traumatic experience to “appreciate things”, especially if that thing refers to another relationship or another man, that to begin with. It is up to you to decide what is best for you, your mental health and your individual growth. If you want to self-reflect, do so. If you think you’ve moved past this, good. Seems like the one who should be self-reflecting is him because that does not seem okay to me.

To be honest it’s not on you to fix his insecurities, that responsibility lies completely with him. I don’t think anything you say or do will “fix” any issue he has with your prior relationships, and it’s a little concerning he’s letting your prior relationships effect him like that

He’s offering the stupidest reasoning for his insecurities that I’ve ever heard. He’s literally making a difficult relationship you experienced all about him.

Your boyfriend is SO insecure. Quite frankly, if he’s so concerned about the past, why doesn’t he take a look at his? Or better, why can’t he realize that YOUR past is none of his business anyway?? What you did before him shouldn’t affect him at all and the fact that he’s taking it out on you is so childish.

You can’t make him feel more ‘manly’. He’s begging you for assurance and confidence that he needs to find within HIMSELF.

Take it from the movie Crazy Rich Asians: “It’s not my job to make you feel like a man. I can’t make you something you’re not.”

That’s his personal problem. You did nothing wrong.

Wait this is crazy. He's super insecure and doesn't feel 'manly' because you had a previous relationship (not sure how or why that makes him feel that way? What does that have to do with his masculinity? It was YOUR past relationship, not his..?) But you're the one who "should reflect on the past more so you appreciate the things you have now"... Alarm bells ringing because he's the one with the problem, not you, he's expecting YOU to do something to make him feel better. He's the one who needs to make changes, why are you expected to fix his issues?

His insecurities are his own problem. Also, red flag that he makes YOUR past about him

I don’t know if I’m stupid or if I genuinely don’t understand the situation. Your boyfriend is insecure about your past relationship where YOU got treated badly, is making it about HIM and how he feels less like a man? That makes absolutely no sense to me but if he’s making it about himself, that is such a big red flag.

I’m confused. He feels less like a man because you were treated badly in your relationship and told him about it? The fuck.

His fucked up sense of masculinity is not your job to fix.

Sounds like he’s insecure and trying to blame you and your past for his issues. I’d break up with someone who blames me for his insecurities and needs me to make him feel like a man. What a weirdo

You’re bf sounds so insecure, it’s not your issue to fix. Your past is none of his business tbh and you shouldn’t feel like ashamed or like you have to reflect on it. He sounds so immature I’d reconsider being with him if he doesn’t get his act together very quick

I feel really trapped in this relationship.

@Nara_1996 that's a sure sign you need to get out

I’ve ended it

His behaviour is so damaging and emotionally abusive. He really thinks it’s ok to behave this way with me. Hes a bully and I will not have any man say to me ‘you are nothing without me remember that’

I’m worth 10 of him. And I needed to realise that. It’s a huge red flag to make me feel so much hate and upset towards a past experience and to make me bring it all back up for him to feel manly. I can’t change my past but I can change who I am for the future and he will never be good for me

@Nara_1996 yes girl. YES.

YES! We love to see women realizing their self worth ❤️

You’re worth SO much more than this piece of sh*t. I’m so happy for you!! X

Yessss girl, so proud of you!!

You go girl!!! Proud of you!!!