hi friends! it’s been awhile, been busy w school and work but stuff has been bothering me and i need to vent tw: mental health, alcohol, sexual coercion(?), racism bit of context: i broke up w my ex bf around a year ago and started dating my current bf a month or so after. we are all in the same friend group. there’s more context in some old posts of mine but i can elaborate more down below MORE CONTEXT: a bit before i broke up w my ex, he went to my best friend a lot for emotional support. i didn’t even know he was doing this, it was my current bf (friend at the time) who informed me of this and advised me to put my mental health first, which i did by ending things. bc i started dating my current bf abt a month after ending things and talked to him beforehand for advice, i was accused of emotionally cheating on my ex. nothing between us happened while i was still w my ex, and wouldn’t my ex have technically been emotionally cheating by dumping our relationship problems on my best friend? i don’t even know at this point. well i learned later my ex had talked abt our private issues to so so many ppl that my former highschool teacher even caught wind of it. it included accusations of me cheating on my ex as well as some really private details that made it sound like i was refusing to put out (for the last several months of our relationship i wasn’t able to have sex w him bc of searing pain when we tried). it was incredibly embarrassing knowing 20+ ppl now knew this abt me. i live in a small town where everyone knows everyone… MAIN ISSUES: to this day he still uses my best friend as one of his main sources of emotional support. bc of this, i don’t feel comfortable talking to her abt my side, both since it happened almost a year ago and also bc i don’t want to dump too much on her. she’s already dealing w her own things as well as whatever my ex dumps on her. i feel like i’m slowly losing my best friend to my ex and i feel like i can’t even talk to her abt it without feeling guilty abt dumping stuff on her. additionally, my ex made a new friend soon after we broke up. this friend of his has always irked me and i didn’t like it when he was over at our dorm (yes i lived w my ex, bf, best friend, and some other friends on dorms) but i had no real reason to dislike him yet. then i learned he frequently says slurs (n word mostly-he’s not black); this and his overall treatment/view on women greatly bothers both me and my current bf but the others seem to have no issue with it. just recently, i was out with another friend of mine at a bar for her birthday. my bf, ex, and best friend were there too. my ex for some reason invited a couple of his own friends (including the friend of issue) that our friend having the birthday didn’t even know. this friend of issue kept buying my friend drinks, trying to get her drunk and take her home even though she made it clear she had a bf. hearing this rubbed me the wrong way but both my best friend and ex were defending this friend of issue? i couldn’t believe it. additionally, this friend of issue had recently cheated on his gf and they brushed it off. i was made out to be a villain for even being suspected of emotionally cheating. it just bothers me so much. i just don’t know what to do. i know i should talk to my best friend but i just can’t get over the mental block of me being a pest to her. i also don’t want this friend of issue being brought to our dorm next year (yes we’re living together next year again i know) but i don’t see this issue being raised without the others getting mad. if you’ve read all this tysm i know this is so long😭

It's time to set some boundaries with your friends. Yes it's hard and uncomfortable, and it's possible there will be some fallout from it. But you shouldn't continue to stay quiet when this new friend is so problematic just to keep from rocking the boat. Boundaries can be anything from "hey I don't think this guy's racist and cheating behaviors are okay and I won't condone it by hanging out with him" to "I will not live in the same dorm as him next year." Speaking honestly with a best friend is not being a pest, it's a sign of healthy and adult communication even if it's uncomfortable. You're also allowed to set boundaries around her talking to her ex if you know they're saying bad things about you. I thought you were breaking up with your ex to focus on yourself and your mental health but getting together with someone a month after doesn't really seem to give you any time to do that.

@aurielle ty, you’re right and getting better at communicating is something i need to work on. next year when we move in again i think i’ll bring up my discomfort with this friend being over. i do also plan on having a one on one talk w my best friend, i’ve just been busy w work and studying😭when i do have a bit of free time i can never catch her lol our schedules just conflict rn. all my friends are white, this racist friend and i are poc. one of my friends is very against the use of the r word and yet seems to let this guys use of the n word slide😐both me and my bf have brought this up before but it just gets brushed off. sometimes it’s feels like that community quote “i can excuse racism but animal cruelty is where i draw the line” “you can excuse racism??” i’m going to be more firm w not allowing him to visit the dorm next year. at the time of breaking up w him i thought it was a relationship in general draining me but it was really just him specifically if that makes sense? he dumped all his emotional load onto me (he now disperses this load among my best friend and some others) and would get upset after i hadn’t texted him in 5 or so hours. upset to the point of pestering our other friends to see if they’d heard from me (i felt so bad learning this, i didn’t know how much he did this to our friends). at the height of him doing that i was starting a new internship and learning a new coding language from scratch which i explained to him would take a lot of time out of my day, so having to rememebr to check in on him on top of all that was just. a mess for me😅 i have been seeing a psychiatrist regularly for almost a year now, it was a really big step for me seeking help from a professional like that and he’s been great, listening to any issues i’ve had and helping tweak some medications. i’ve also registered for an online therapy course which is another big step for me, i don’t like discussing my issues w others usually but i think this will be greatly beneficial for me. it also allows me to do therapy from home which is good for my schedule atm. my current bf has been greatly supportive w my seeking professional help. my ex was very much of the “we’ll figure it out together, as long as we’re together we’ll be ok” and it took me too long to realize i needed professional help. i like to think i’ve brown a bit mentally over the past year, i’ve started to overcome asking others for help which is something i’ve been struggling with since i was a kid. seeing a psychiatrist/therapist is something i’ve been stewing on for almost 10 years😅 anyway, sorry for the ramble again. tysm for your comment, i always appreciate your time and your advice❤️