Hey people, I hope everyone’s doing well. I’m just frustrated and need to rant. I don’t mind any advice and peoples POV. I’ll break the story into different part so it’s not long😭. This is about my current relationship PART 1 - 2018 to 2020 We met in college. We got close to the point where everyone thought we was together but it was just pure friendship. We would ft everyday after college with our other friend or sometimes just me and him (Let’s name him M). There was this other girl in college (Let name her T). She had a bf at the time but she would still flirt with M and mess about. At some point I started having feelings for M which I saw as infatuation due to the fact that obviously we was always on ft and we’d do everything together when we was around each other but I did not let M know this. After T left college, me and M was still there. Gradually I started treating him more than friends which was because of the feelings I had for him. We started flirting and would kiss and he fingers me yh. We never spoke about what we was doing or clear it out so that was clearly FWB. Now we college has stopped because it was COVID time. We would still ft everyday as normal but we wasn’t seeing each other as there was restrictions. Few months later, M ghosted me. I would call him and text him he would reply but he was gradually disappearing so at some point I just let him be so we stopped talking for like couple months until December 2020 when we reached out to each other again.

PART 2 - 2021 to 2023 In December 2020, it was M’s birthday and he posted a pic where a girl was there but I know who the girl is as I was kinda in touch with his family. So T has sent me the picture on Snapchat and I was like ? Why did she send it me. Then she was like the girl then I told her who the girl is. Me and T relationship I’ll say we are friends because we talk in college and send memes and stuff to each other on social media so we didn’t have any awkward vibes between us. Obviously I knew what T and M was like in college. I don’t know if M liked T back in college but I knew T liked M but she had a bf then so she couldn’t really do nothing I guess. So me and T’s conversation on Snapchat after she sent the picture was more like her showing that she likes M and obviously I went to tell M because that’s my guy innit. So I ended up passing messages between T and M. From what I can remember T said M should come and he will get the best time of his life. So after that I was not involved anymore but the both of them reached out to each other and started talking again because T left college in 2019 and we left in 2020. But obviously as M ghosted me, our friendship was just subtle so it wasn’t like it was before but we still reach out to each other if needed. In 2021 now, T and M has started talking now, doing whaever it was.And I was doing me too dating wise. Me and M friendship started becoming as normal gradually again around ending of feb so we would kinda talk everyday now and the feelings for M started coming back again. Our friend had a party couple months after, M and me went and we ended up having sex. But before I gave in, I let M know that this is how I’m feeling and what does he want from me. He didn’t really say nothing that made sense but I still did cos I liked him right. I forgot to mention that in 2020 after M ghosted me we still send stuff to each other on tiktok so I did tell him how I felt towards him and he was like nah that he wants the best for me and he’s not the best so we can’t work and I was like ok cool. So after the birthday party, me and M started talking everyday and even having more sex lol and I would ask him like where is head is at and what does he want from me and stuff but he would tell me oh the feelings is there.

PART 3- in 2021 now So we started hanging out more we would go out to eat and spend bare time together. I would ask him about T as well cos obviously I know he reached out to her after the messages in December 2020. He would say oh we are just cool. In May 2021, he started showing his feelings more towards me but he still didn’t say where his head was at but obviously because I liked him I ignored it. Then in May, he let me know that oh so him and T was talking but nothing happened which I didn’t believe because I knew what they was both like in college. Anyways at this point we was basically in a relationship now I would say because that’s what it was like to me and at some point I started asking like wah we doing and like if he wants to be with me or not. We used to go in cycles a lot having this conversation because I wanted more but at the same time I was ready to be patient with him cos even when we was friends he’s someone that doesn’t care about relationships so I know he didn’t want to be in one. But that didn’t stop me from pulling away and letting him be. I started posting me and M together on my Snapchat and M would see them. M would also post videos of years ago when we was in college of her and M but she would repeatedly post this particular video of when M was in her titties and I told M about it and he will say oh she’s just trying to get a reaction from me. Which she did because I always felt upset. 2022 - me and M is in a relationship now yeah and everything is going well and sweet. One day I went thru his phone just to feed my curiosity on what business he had with T. I seen on his phone that he’s gone to visit her in Oct 2021 twice which I didn’t know about. So I asked him about it he goes oh he went to see her just once when he went to her city with his brother. I said how come You didn’t tell me. He said because he knows how I felt towards the girl. The reason why I felt weird towards the girl is because in 2021 when me and M started talking gradually again, he sent me a picture of him which I thought was nice and T popped up saying oh when is me and M getting together I was like never lol because I told M this is what T was saying. Couple months later I found out that when she popped up and was asking that, she and M was speaking and getting to know each other so that pissed me off and made me have a different perspective of her.

Last part - sorry guys I know it’s long😭 In conclusion, I had the conversation with my boyfriend of his relationship with T because it’s reoccurring problem in our relationship and I hate it. Well he kissed her and sucked her titties. He said this happened in two different places which is when she went to visit him in 2021 january and when he went to see her in October 2021. Me and him started to get to know each other relationship was in 2021 april so idk how to deal with his. Because it’s like I’ve ignored so any red flags at the start and now it’s just not going well Like our relationship is almost perfect now like we are so in love but whenever we fight it’s always about this because he doesn’t wanna talk about but I need to know I hope how I explained isn’t too complicated and makes sense I know you guys say the truth here so I’m all ears even if the truth hurts😭

If you guys hadn’t explicitly agreed that you were exclusive/not seeing anyone else when he was intimate with T in October then really he did nothing wrong and it was none of your business, the first time was when you weren’t even dating. It’s unfortunate that you’ve found out about this, ignorance really is bliss lol. But I think you need to let it go and move on, properly move on and never bring it up during a disagreement again. Or if you really can’t let it go then you’re best to end the relationship. This happened a year and a half ago, I know it sucks and it hurts because of the long history but if you can’t let it go it will ruin your current relationship.

I mean you say you ignored so many red flags and then say your relationship is perfect now in the next breath, like somethings not adding up? To be honest it sounds like you just waited for him to finally make a decision about whether he wanted to be with you or not and tbh he probably only did that because you were still there waiting for him, that was your decision and he was free to mess around with girls at that time if he wanted to. You put all your eggs in one basket early on and he didn’t, you can’t hold that against him because you knew he wasn’t 100% committed to you at that time.

@bluerose9 yeah I agree I put all my eggs in one basket but I asked him if he wanted to be getting to know other people he said no but he was from what I know now

@imblessed_ well then he was lying to you.

@bluerose9 to me they’re red flags now with what I know because if I knew this is what he was doing I would have left and just be friends with him. So he was lying to me and wasn’t telling me truth If he was honest at that time because he did say he wasn’t ready for a relationship but he’s getting there so we should carry on with how things was. If he had told me this is what he wanted to I would have had the choice if I wanted to stay or not.

I agree with @bluerose9 also you shouldn't have gone through his phone, it's toxic and it never leads to anything good.

If you're going to be a in a relationship with him now you need to put the past behind you. If you can't and the history is too messy this isn't going to work out.

He does know he done bad as well and he’s making everything right but I just can’t believe he done me like that because when I would ask about T he would say oh it’s nothing, she’s not even on your level, she’s even jealous of you so obviously now I know all these it doesn’t make sense because he’s saying he didn’t like her that he’s a man and he has needs. Like Wdym you have needs cos me and him was literally doing everything and so this doesn’t make sense. He said Yh it doesn’t make sense cos he didn’t know wah he was doing at the time as well and was figuring out himself

@aurielle yeah I know not to go through his phone but I know he wasn’t telling the truth and I wanted to just feed my curiosity. He tells me what he feels like I need to know but I wanna know it all because it took him time to tell me all these as well because he’s saying it doesn’t matter. But to me it matters like who wants to be intimate with a man that’s been intimate with someone you see as your friend.

He’s really not coming across well here, it’s horrible that he just straight up lied to you when asked while you were supposedly exclusively dating. The way he speaks about T is gross, ‘she’s not on your level, she’s only jealous’ is so condescending and disrespectful. What does ‘I didn’t like her cos I’m a man I have needs’ even mean? Literally that makes no sense but again he’s implying she’s not good enough, again really gross and disrespectful. I think you’re right to upset that he wasn’t honest especially during the early stages of the relationship. To be fair though he did state he wasn’t ready for a relationship, if that’s what you wanted you would have been best to end things and find someone else who was on the same page as you. I think you need to really think about the info you’ve learned and decide whether you’re able to move past this, as in totally let the past go and never bring it up again. There’s a LOT of history clearly and he has shown a lot of negative personality traits and has treated both you and T very badly. Personally I really don’t think I would be able continue a relationship once I’d realised it had basically been built on dishonesty because if I had known the truth the relationship probably wouldn’t have even existed. I personally would not be able to trust that person and I know I’d always hold that against them.

He knows he’s treated me badly and is been trying his best in making things right. But when I find out more information about this situation I go to ask him which then causes us to argue again. He’s told me to let it go as it doesn’t matter and has blocked T just to prove that it’s me now (as if that is meant to gass me but ok). Should I ask T if she wants to talk, I’m not sure if she knows me and M is together but I think she knows I like M which is why she used to post videos of her and M to intimidate me. Me asking if she wants to talk is to make sure there’s no bad energy between us cos I never want to beef a friend because of a man. I just moved myself away from her because of the snaky thing she did. I agree with you because I said to him like that phase of the relationship when you was trying to figure out yourself was the foundation for me because we was basically like couples but he said hearing the title makes him feel like he has a big responsibility so he wants to slowly get into it and that’s what we done because we are here now. So I was really patient with him and trusted he was being honest but he wasn’t. He knows my trust for him is gone and I let him know I’ll give him a chance to make things right but obviously I keep bringing this situation back up and he’s fed up because he’s saying I’m letting the girl control the whole relationship

To be honest I think this situation is already way too messy and complicated, I wouldn’t reach out to T and complicate things even more. Are you absolutely sure T used to post pics of her with M purely to ‘intimidate’ you? And to be honest I think there’s a good chance you’ll hear more things about M and what he’s done that you don’t want to know 🙄 He actually said committing to you is a big responsibility?? Personally I’d pissed off by that comment, like what committing to being faithful to you is difficult? It’s hard work not throwing himself at any other person? Well tbf he’s clearly not very good at it so maybe it is hard work for him. Honestly you’ve been very very very good to this man and he doesn’t deserve it. And no you are not letting this girl control the whole relationship. It’s his shxtty actions from the past that are causing these issues. If it wasn’t T it would have been another girl 🤷🏻‍♀️ do not let this issue slide don’t let this man walk all over you and get away with treating you like crap

I really don’t think he deserves another chance especially if he’s trying to manipulate you into thinking you’re the one at fault here, for not giving him a free pass for being dishonest and unfaithful early in your relationship, meaning that your entire relationship has been based on him being dishonest with you about being with another woman…… 🤦🏻‍♀️ What exactly is he doing to try make things right?

@bluerose9 he’s able to defend himself here because he told me at the time he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship and I’m like Yh you did say that I’m aware but his actions was different because we do things like we was in a couple. I’m able to forgive him because when he was intimate with T in January 2021, me and him wasn’t even talking like that. But he also went to see her in Oct 2021 behind my back and told me nothing happened, he didn’t have sex with the girl. Later on I said to him like uno sex isn’t the only thing you can do with a girl as I know what you and T are like, there’s no way you was both in the same room and you didn’t do nothing. I told him I need to know what he did which took time for him to say. And I’m just disappointed cos like you done these and came back to me like you innocent and carried on doing stuff with me. I just don’t know what to do considering this happened like time ago yeah and we very much in deep in the relationship now like I even got him to ask me out again for a start afresh and he did it very cutely as well like he would never do that The things he’s doing to make things right like he invites me out with his family, he never does that before like I just speak to them on the phone and that’s it. When I complain about something he reflects and we talk about it and there’s changes. He’s more open now as well usually he’s not. And he did let me know that he knows he’s hurt me very badly and that’s why it’s hard for him to talk about it because it’s just gonna hurt me more and he’s doing everything right by me now to make up for it. I’m not trying to support him or his actions cos I know that’s a very bad thing to do or treat someone but he does take responsibilities for his actions and has apologised bare times like I mean a lot of times.imblessed_

@bluerose9 yes I’m sure T was posting these video to intimidate me because she would usually post it on her private story on Snapchat right and what I noticed was when she post certain things I’m on the private story but days later she’ll take me out the private story so I definitely think that was her Aim cos I would tell M as well back then he’ll tell me just ignore her she’s just tryna get a reaction from you.

Idk I think you need to really think about this and decide if you can let go of the past and move on or not.

Reading all of this made me feel stressed out and I’m not even in this relationship. It can’t be good for you. It feels like you’re trying to turn this man into something he isn’t. You can’t change the past, you can’t make him more truthful, and you can’t make him a better person. I personally would never be able to build a long lasting relationship with someone if we had such a messy past/present. You would need to NEVER mention this situation ever again, even when he makes you doubt him, even when you’re curious about the past, to have a shot at a successful relationship. I wouldn’t blame you for not being able to do that. If that’s the case, you’ve got to move on from him because this is unhealthy