Am I wrong for feeling some type of way because my husband told me yesterday he won’t be able to get me a Christmas gift? He didn’t get me anything for my 21st so I know it’s not a “surprise”. I spent over 1K for his 21st, got him a hotel at a casino, invited all his friends, and for Christmas I already got the gift he really really wanted which was the air pods pro. plus 3 video games he wanted. Which I had to give him one already because he really wanted to play it with his friends.. like I’m not asking for anything expensive. He can literally get me a book and I’d be ok. I even told him I really want certain books.

Did he say why he won’t be able to? If it’s financial reasons there’s not much you can do

What’s the reason he’s not able to do it? That’s what everything’s about, can’t say anything without knowing that.

If you’re able to afford those things, then you can choose to spend that amount of money. But if he can’t spend much money, then it’s unfair of you to expect him to

He says he won’t have enough. But his cousins were just here for thanksgiving and he was spending money left and right and went to the casino twice. But is a $12 book too much to ask for?

Plus, I even told him I would go half on Christmas gifts with him. So he’s able to get someone everything.

If he hardly sees his cousins, then it’s understandable to overspend on them. However, even though you’re married, it is his money and he can choose to spend it how he wants. Also, why do you think he’s obligated to buy you a gift?

I think especially if you asked for a specific book that’s not much money, it’s a shame if he wouldn’t get you the book. It’s not about the money. It’s all about the fact he’s going out of his way to not do anything for you. He could make you a romantic dinner or write you a card with him saying he appreciates you and what you do for him. But seems as though he just can’t be bothered

If he really can’t afford even the book then that’s not his fault. But there are very cheap and even free things he can do to show his appreciation and that’s what giving gifts at Christmas and birthdays is for

@TescoExpress my point exactly. Honestly I don’t need a gift, but at least cook a dinner, we have wine at the house already. I can buy the food. I just think something on Christmas would be nice.

Yeah I mean just because your able to afford to spend over 1,000 for him and went out your way to do that for his bday don’t expect him to do the same cause just cause you could doesn’t mean he could

A book is understandable that’s cheap but if it’s financial he can definetly like do soemthing that he doesn’t have to spend he can cook you a nice meal or make like a cute little spa in your bathroom there’s plenty things he can put a lot of thought into to still make it seem like a gift but more memorable

Does he go to the casino often?

@aribaby819 She has said she doesn’t care about quantity or price it’s the lack of thought that’s upsetting her. She specifically asked for a book that was $12 and if he couldn’t afford that he could have literally done anything. Like bake her a single cookie and it would mean more than ‘sorry not doing anything for you but I will for others’

I’d feel a way if he doesn’t even put any effort to do anything special because you don’t have to spend a lot of money to please someone it’s more of the thought and action

@aribaby819 Just saw your other comment! We’re on the same page haha sorry

Yeah in the second response I said how there’s stuff that he could do that’ll show he cares and like if he doesn’t do it then that’s unfair to you to put a lot of thought with him but he won’t for you

I would speak with him and see if he could compromise and explain that gifts don’t have to be expensive to be appreciated. Or perhaps you could gift you with a day together. My boyfriend isn’t big on birthday presents and has never got me one, but he will plan a day for us to spend together and have a nice meal and give me back rubs and I appreciate it. And last year he had a similar issue where he was spending money like crazy around Thanksgiving not even thinking about presents. Then Christmas came around and he had no money and he was upset. He saved what he had and made it work and was literally down to $4 in his bank account when he was done. But this year he started budgeting early because he felt so bad last year that he was irresponsible. So it could just be a rough time for him. If you guys are married money should be something that you can guys deal with and talk about. It also could make him feel bad if you go over the top on him when he doesn’t want presents like that which makes him feel pressure even if you say it’s OK to do Small things. I’m super into giving gifts and can afford it but my boyfriend has asked me before to not go crazy on him because it makes him feel bad. He would rather me save money for our future/spend on myself then him.

It seems like he’s taking you for granted now that you’re married, im sorry it must feel awful. You married young so just remember you can always change your mind because people change a lot in their early 20s. You deserve to feel appreciated

Like @TescoExpress said, it’s not the not being able to spend the money I’d be upset by. It’s the total lack of thought. For your birthday he could’ve made a card and a box cake mix or even something as little as breakfast in bed and it would’ve been better than doing nothing. Same thing with Christmas. It sounds like he just doesn’t want to put in the effort to do something thoughtful, and I don’t think it’s wrong or materialistic to be upset by that. It sounds like he doesn’t put in any effort and doesn’t appreciate you.

Yeah I misread some of what you said you have every right to feel a way if no effort or thought is being put in. Like @marineemo Said be may be taking you for advantage now that your his wife so doesn’t think that he has to do all the effort he would’ve done before. Defiantly speak to him about it not being the money but the effort and thought he puts into this stuff

Does he realize that gifts are meaningful and important to you? Like have you ever discussed this with him? Some people don’t place much importance on gifts.

I agree with all of you. So I think it’s best if I do have a conversation with him. Let him know that he doesn’t have to actually get me a gift, that there’s ways around it. But I feel like he will use the “I’m not use to doing this or that.” But I’ve been giving him examples of what I would like and idk, sometimes it feels like he got comfortable ever since we got married..

@aurielle I did tell him that him not getting me a gift for my birthday made me a little sad. But I just brushed it off because I didn’t want to sound like a brat.

@Cru123_ could he possibly have a gambling addiction you might not be aware of?

@Yi_eune I doubt it. He doesn’t go out much.

@Cru123_ alright just wanted to make sure. I would definitely have a talk with him about his attitude because he comes across like he doesn’t give a f••k...

Return his gifts and buy yourself something instead lol. The fact that he won’t even get you a card, make one, try ANYTHING to show some thought is ridiculous and just lazy.

To me it sounds like he doesn't care. He doesn't have to spend incredible amounts of money for a gift. Not bothering to do anything for your birthday or even Christmas is symbolic enough. Gift giving is meant to come from the heart, it's meant to show that he WANTS to do something special for you and that he cares enough to make or give you something that can make you happy. It's completely reasonable that he may not have a lot of money to spare, but why can't he make some plans with you that don't involve spending anything? Or making you something nice? I might assume that he just doesn't do gifts but if he's happy to give them to his cousins why can't he at least give you something small?

@xixv I interpreted that as he was spending money on the casino, going out etc while his cousins were there, not necessarily that he spent on gifts FOR them. I could be wrong though

@aurielle we did a few things with them. But he did mention that he didn’t get them a Christmas gift while they were here. Sooo he had the thought of getting THEM something. 🤗

I would also return everything and see how he reacts

Definitely talk to him and stop spending on him. This is super one sided

To be very honest with you guys, his excuse will be that he pays rent.

Even if you say cant he make you dinner or get you a card and write a nice message?

Honestly sounds like he doesn’t care at all. Even a simple letter would show appreciation and he can’t even do that. I would seriously reconsider this marriage.

I’m sorry but getting you a card or the book that you wanted would cost him nothing in comparison to rent. It’d not affect him in any way

@MarineeMo honestly. I do have to bring this up to him.

I would return his gift you deserve better then that.

I’d return all the gifts. If he doesn’t want to make an effort then neither should you. Focus on other friends and family and have a fantastic Christmas!

Return this gifts. Since he wont get you anything, nobody gone get anything!

I would return them air pods and video game or keep the air pods to myself... I’m not spending money or putting effort into a relationship that isn’t mutual...

@carmen98x Right nobody is getting anything then 😂😂

@ilovepizza 😂😂😂 airpod pros $250, if anybody think they getting that and ain't getting me nothing they beyond wild 😂😂😂😂

So he can’t put some effort in and make you a $5 gift because he “has to pay rent”? Lmao sure Jan. Don’t brush off his lack of effort because in my opinion you did it on your 21st birthday and now he’s clearly taking advantage of your passiveness on this issue.

There is zero excuses to not give someone, especially your WIFE, a gift for both their birthday and Christmas. Because it’s not just about money, he could get you that super cheap book, a card, make you something, plan a day with you, bake you your favorite treats. Don’t feel forced to stay in a relationship just because you’re married. I know it sounds a bit exaggerated but don’t let him get away with being lazy, and return his gifts!

He’s acting a lot more like your teenage son than your husband. In the very least, I would make it very clear (in a calm and mature way) that this is not okay. You don’t need him to spend a ton, but you need a partner. Someone who thinks about your feelings and puts in some effort.

@CatNamedEast that’s the point I’ve been trying to get him to understand but I’ve had no luck.

Was he like this when you guys were dating?

@Pandafan1 like not giving me gifts? No, he always got me something for Christmas. Actually, there’s been TWO birthdays that he hasn’t gotten me something. When I turned 19 all he got me were roses because my mom told him to since she was throwing me a surprise party.

Have you talked to him more about this? What did he say?

@MPBandit not directly, like I don’t tell him it bothers me. Because I don’t want to sound like I’m a materialistic person. Which I’m not, but I think certain holidays mean something to someone.

@cru123_ You NEED to tell him. This doesn’t make you materialistic when he’s literally not putting in effort at all, nothing is ever gonna change if you don’t tell him.

@newtonian I’ve talked to him about other things and barely see a change. So me bringing this up to him might not mean anything. I probably have to reconsider this marriage.

@Cru123_ you really should reconsider as you’ve already got the mentality to not confront him cuz nothing will change anyway

You have to talk to him. You can't not communicate in a relationship. If nothing changes, then yeah I'd reconsider being with someone so careless.

Tell him that if can’t do anything for you then you’re not going to get him anything either. Return those games and AirPods, or keep them to yourself. He should be very happy to have received a game already, and for you actually staying in this relationship.

@cru123_ Then you need to tell him that unless he changes you can’t stay in this marriage anymore. It sounds drastic but this lack of care and communication on his part is going to make you miserable otherwise.

I’ll try communicating again. I don’t want to sound like an angel either but I do feel like I’ve done more than enough on my part.

Just because you feel you’ve made mistakes before doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to communicate when something is bothering you. Don’t let yourself become a doormat.

No one is an angel @cru123_ You should communicate to him when something upsets you, and he should communicate to you when something upset him. Communication involves TWO people and goes BOTH ways. There’s so such thing as “I did something bad before so that excuses his bad behavior now.” That’s not how it works

@Kazoo sometimes that’s my mind set to be honest. Because sometimes I feel like I’m a handful but then again I shouldn’t try finding excuses to excuse his behavior.

I would highly recommend trying out couples counseling. I think it will help, one way or another. You never know... it really might change things. If not, you’ll know for sure that you tried and that leaving is the right thing. I don’t think it could hurt at this point. Maybe even return those presents and use the money for some sessions?

@Cru123_ is he expecting to get gifts from you if he isn’t getting anything for you? Like if you didn’t get him anything would he have a reaction? I would return the gifts if you still can to get your money back or sell them or give the gifts to someone else.

@CatNamedEast I’ve brought it up before but he declined it.

@Pandafan1 well I already told him I have his gifts. So that’s why idek if it’s worth returning them now. And another part of me wouldn’t want to have him not receive a present from my end. And I know I shouldn’t mind because clearly he doesn’t but Idk. The same way I’m feeling about potentially not receiving a gift, I wouldn’t want him feeling that way.

It doesn’t matter if he already knows. Return them to make a point, if he doesn’t give you anything you’ll not get him anything either.

He doesn’t wanna do couples therapy to improve the relationship? He’s not worth your time. He’s taking you for granted now so he stopped putting effort in. Return the gifts, pricks like him don’t deserve it. It’s a good thing he might know and not receive anything. Good harsh truth for him to face reality.

Stop making excuses for his feelings, he really doesn’t care about yours and has shown it.

@cru123_ Why did you get married to this guy? Also how long were you dating before getting engaged?

@Kazoo I married him because of who he WAS. And I know that probably sounds cheesy, but he was not like that. We were dating for three years before getting engaged. We met when we were 12 and we liked each other from the start we just never dated until his senior year prom. But I never had any red flags because he was the full three years.

@Cru123_ when you start dating that young, people can change and evolve a lot in their late teens- early 20s. It’s also harder to set standards and understand what you really want/need out of a relationship when you’ve only been in a serious relationship with one person, in my opinion.

@aurielle and I am aware of that. I’ve grown a lot. I’ve matured and he still is the person that I would want to be with but I also have to be realistic and realize that the way he’s been lately is not the way I want to be treated.

Is there a reason why you got married so young? I think that people can grow and change (for better, for worse, or for neutral) a lot especially in their early 20’s. Maybe you’re growing apart, unfortunately. He 100% should go with you to couples counseling

Did he say why he “declined” to go? It’s very immature and insensitive to just refuse to go to couples counseling when there are issues in the relationship that aren’t being solved. Does he not think there are issues?

@Kazoo we’re both Hispanics. My mom was super strict and wouldn’t let me have a normal dating experience and his parents are the type that if you think that’s the person you’re going to be with then marriage is the answer. So it was more of like cultural? I would say. Because I was spending the night at his house and his parents thought I was pregnant and they said it was a sin of us having sex without marriage. To be honest there’s a lot of factors to why we got married young (so that might be why this is all happening). & he thinks we don’t need a third person to help us solve our issues. He pretty much doesn’t believe in counseling/therapist.

I think that for your marriage to work you two are going to have to seek counseling. He shouldn’t have such a stigma about it. He doesn’t want to fix or address the problems you’re bringing up himself, and he doesn’t want counseling to help. So he just wants you to continue feeling unhappy about this? It’s so important to communicate and resolve conflicts. You NEED to do that for any relationship to work/be healthy. If he is not putting in effort, refusing to work on things, and refusing counseling, then idk what else there is. I would try to urge him to seek counseling with you, and if that doesn’t work then I would honestly leave the relationship/marriage.

I don’t know either of you personally but based on his response to this situation, I have the feeling that if your relationship continues like this, many things similar to this situation will happen and you will gradually become more and more unhappy and unsatisfied until you don’t even realize how unhappy you are. He might go on being completely unaware/apathetic about your feelings and nothing will change. I don’t think it’s good to settle for apathy so early on, because it could just lead to buildup of resentment. And by then if you two have children etc, the marriage would be a lot more tricky to leave

@Kazoo @Kazoo this is exactly what I’ve thought about. So I’m on the same page you are. And I’m getting to the point where enough is enough. I’m young and I don’t need to be in a relationship right now.cru123_

Why would you WANT to be with this guy if you know he's changed for the worst?

@xixv of he was. Because I know how he was and what he was capable of doing. I should of worded that better.

You like who he was and not who he has become. Don’t dwell on the past and how good things were, you’re not happy anymore and you need to start putting you and your happiness first.