I need advice and people with fresh perspectives to tell me whether I should leave this issue or do something about it. My now ex boyfriend and I were together for almost 3 and a half years. We broke up 3 weeks ago. During our relationship, there were issues that he brought up multiple times. Each time I would try to work on these issues but eventually I would kind of stop working on them. This is what led him to break up with me (I completely understand and take accountability of how selfish this was of me to put him through having his needs ignored that he had expressed to me). Apart from this, we had a good relationship and a strong friendship between us. We planned on getting married and he is someone that I 100% wanted to have in my future. We just made sense together. Since the beginning of 2025, I feel that I've made a lot of headway on the issues that he had with me around my lifestyle. I made small changes here and there that have been building up to me making healthier choices for myself. I didn't necessarily tell him every little change I made because I didn't think it was necessary and I feel like this caused him to not be able to recognise my work. I understand that it wasn't fair at all to make him wait this long to see me make changes but I'm the type of person where I can't do things when other people ask me to. I have to really want to make a change for myself and almost hit a wall to do something. I feel that if he had recognised my efforts or if I had communicated them to him, we wouldn't have broken up. I really would like for us to get back together but I'm not sure if that's fair of me to ask because of what I put him through. Can you guys give me your opinion on whether I should just leave it alone or speak to him about this? We're still on great terms and have decided to just be friends so it would be easy for me to talk to him about this I just don't know if I have the right to. Thanks

I think it’s time you leave it alone and start on your journey to move on. It’s good that you’ve been working on yourself, keep up the work. But don’t do it in the hopes of getting back together.

I think it depends a bit on the kinds of changes he was asking you to make, and what your progress was (because if he couldn't notice any change, was it really significant?) But in general, when one person in a relationship asks the other to make changes and that partner really struggles or finds it impossible to make those changes, it's usually a sign of deeper incompatibility. It's unfair to both partners because as you said, one isn't getting their needs met (assuming the changes asked for are reasonable) and the other person is being asked to change in ways that are likely fundamentally at odds with who they are as a person. It's really a no-win situation. You're absolutely right that we can only change when we want to for ourselves, we can't expect that to happen for a partner. And that means change is going to happen at your own pace, and maybe not how/when your partner wants it to happen. I think it's too soon and fresh after the breakup to really be thinking about getting back together, I think you may be having regrets which is normal. Leave it alone and after it's really been a significant amount of time (like years) and you think you've had that personal growth and you still want to revisit the relationship, you can.

I agree with both comments above. Whatever you decide to do I also think you need to give it more time, ideally over a year/multiple years as said above. This break up is still very new and raw, and you are still just processing it. As great as it is that you’ve remained friends, I would recommend limiting contact for at least the next few months. It’s much harder to get over someone who’s still very present in your life.