I have a situation with my bf's family and idk what to do. There are multiple family days planned throughout the year and this time around it's an evening event (with tickets) to see a show during the weekdays. Unfortunately the discussion about the planning and organising this event happened back in march and I had initially said that Im not sure if I'll make it since most likely I'll be abroad at that time to attend a birthday of someone in my family. Unfortunately the trip did not go through and BOTH of us forgot until now about this show next week. I work in two shifts (evening/morning) that alternate weekly. Next week I work evening shift, and cannot make it. I really rather not ask for another day off from work just to attend. I only have like 4 vacation days left until the end of the year (and could transfer them to the next) and now Im currently off from work to rest and do errands using my vacation days(pre planned). Now my bf and I have had a fight, which has almost never happened in the 9 yrs we've been together. His parents are understandably disappointed but both them and my bf are expecting me to take a day off from work which is very last minute and I feel conflicted. I find it super awkward to now ask my boss "hey, I screwed up and had forgotten about a family event and need to ask a day off" when I'm fully capable of working and not sick. Especially since it's so last minute. There's a chance he might say yes but I really don't want to bet on it. I guess I'm also a little more emotional about it since this sunday is my birthday and we must attend another little family day mainly because the grandpa has recently been diagnosed with cancer and they want to spend as much time as possible together. But nobody even had any problems with it being maybe a day that I would like to spend in private. I rarely do anything special for my birthday but I guess this year is different, idk why. I will still attend and nothing against that, I just feel extreme guilt for feeling this way. Like I'm a bad person that has no respect for others. I know that I should put others above myself, and I do. That's why I said nothing about it. Im not that important. I guess I needed to vent, while Im still trying to process what to do. I guess I'll try to get that day off even though it might put me in some awkward situation but I really don't want to disappoint anyone.

No, you should not put others above yourself. That's a very unhealthy mindset that shows poor boundaries. You ARE important. And personally I find the expectation that you take off work to go to a "family day" is wild.

So, ‘be selfish’ is what I’ve been taught my whole life growing up. I never really understood till I was older. But they were right. Always put yourself first. Because no one else will. Putting others first means you may be a people pleaser. Dig into that. You should come before anyone else because you know your needs better than anyone else. Having your bday to yourself does not make you a bad person. I make that day very special for myself every year. I never work. And always do all the things that make ME happy. Because it’s my day. The fact that they are upset and expecting you to take a day off when you JUST remembered about it is wack. I don’t see why you couldn’t maybe set aside some time to visit the grandfather another day? It seems like the family event is just a show too, which doesn’t seem important? So what if you skip? I also don’t think it’s so bad asking for a day off work. For me, it’s just a job. Yes it can be nerve racking, but they’ll survive without you, hopefully? Lol. And please know, this doesn’t make you a bad person, and YOU ARE IMPORTANT.

Stand up for yourself and don’t bow to their demands. Sure taking time off for the odd thing, especially if it’s a big event like a wedding or something, is often the expectation but expecting you plan your entire life around their minor family events is ridiculous. Once you start doing that then you’ll be expected to do that all the time, don’t let that happen.

Thank you for the comments, I really appreciate you all responding ❤️ I've struggled with people-pleasing, and not putting myself first in the past. Lately I've noticed that I started to do that again, and this is a clear example of it which I realise that now. I'll do my best to work on that. I usually don't slip into that old mindset but I guess when it comes to his family, I just feel helpless and having a harder time to speak up for myself since there's a slight language barrier (Im from a different country) and somehow I regress to my past self. Even if I do manage to attend this show next week with them, I still feel like I'm losing. Everyone would be glad that I'm there but at the same time I can see myself being uncomfortable and annoyed. Social interactions like these are generally very draining for me, and are a source of anxiety for me. I'm worried that I'll just be covering up my feelings of misery and put up a big smile while it's eating me away inside. I don't want to feel like that. Maybe that won't happen, no way of knowing unfortunately with how I'm doing currently with my mental health. Feels like I'm entering a depression phase once again, I need to go find a therapist. I just need to take care of myself and do what's best for me. Thanks again for the support ❤️