To summarise my last post, is it justified to say to my boyfriend he needs to stop consuming porn as it is negatively affecting the intimacy between us?

No you can’t decide what he is allowed or isn’t allowed to do. It is controlling and forbidding things won’t help, he will just continue to do it in secret since you said he admitted to it being an addiction. Is he actually getting any help for it or plan on to? If he doesn’t then I think it’s more than justified to leave the relationship as your views on this aren’t going to align.

It’s better to date someone who has the same views as you. Being forced to change will create resentment and will not work long term. Probably for the best if you just move on.

I don't think it's is as simple as just stop watching porn. It's more complex than that and any solution needs to take into account the entire relationship.

Yes it’s not wrong for you to tell him to not watch it. Especially if you have already discussed how you feel about it. He is disrespecting you at this point.

You can’t tell him not to watch it, but you can decide your own actions. If you don’t want to be with someone who watches porn, then you don’t want to be with him.

You can’t tell him what to do. That’s now how boundaries work. If you want to be with someone who doesn’t watch porn then that means you are in the wrong relationship.

Reading the other messages, I certainly have a different opinion on it. I believe if something your bf is doing wrong you should tell him. Like if he were doing drugs you would tell him to stop right? I had a similar situation with my boyfriend at the start of the relationship. My bf watched a lot of hentai (anime porn), it made me uncomfortable so I told him to stop it or I would leave him. I feel like getting turned on and indulging in it is wrong to me. It feels like CHEATING. idk why other people don’t think the same way but to each their own yk. My bf did agree to stop (we were both 16 at the time) and now he tells me that seeing those kinds of things makes him feel guilty…my advice is just to communicate to him, you deserve a good relationship with someone you want

@bunnika I wouldn’t be happy if my partner made me feel ashamed of something I enjoyed when I was alone and exploring myself sexually. I would actually feel resentful and hurt by that. You shouldn’t dictate what someone can and can’t do in a relationship by giving ultimatums or emotionally manipulating them. You said it yourself “he tells me seeing those kinds of things makes him feel guilty”… he shouldn’t have to feel guilty. You can let him know it makes you feel insecure but that sounds like something you need to work on and not your boyfriend.

I agree with @buNNika I also consider it cheating and I think you have a right to speak up about it to ur SO. Telling other girls they shouldn’t have an issue with it is wrong, not everyone normalizes it. All relationships are different it’s not ur relationship so I’m not sure why you are worried about her not being comfortable with her boyfriend watching it? and telling her she need to work on herself. She doesn’t have to be okay with it. Her bf should honestly feel bad for getting off to other girls while she is uncomfortable with it it’s disrespectful if you aren’t ok with it. Its not an insecurity thing at all! It’s called standards.

@angel420 I think the problem is that your argument can apply to anything. My ex was uncomfortable with me having male friends, he found it disrespectful and made me feel extremely guilty about it. These were his “standards” but instead of finding a girl who didn’t have or want male friends, he imposed this “boundary” on me which isn’t fair or right. If both people in a relationship don’t want t to watch porn / don’t agree w it that’s up to them. But imposing these “boundaries” on someone who doesn’t see it the same way is I think what people here are taking issue with.

People use porn for various reasons. For me personally it's a way to discover new fantasies and things to try in the bedroom with my partner. Otherwise I use it to as a visual stimulus to help me reach orgasm faster when I masturbate.I don't really pay that much attention on the actors, nor do I make comparisons between them and my partner or anything like that. It's the same thing to me as reading erotica/smut or oldschool nude magazines. It's just a resource. You do have to realise that majority of porn is fake and designed to turn people on. While some people take it too far with getting very attached to it to a level that it's disrupting their lives, I assume it's not the case for the majority of viewers. I think it would be important for you to know your partner's view on it, so you have a better understanding instead of firmly deciding that they're not allowed to use it which is controlling.

My point is that she doesn’t have to be okay with it. But at the end of the day her boyfriend is someone who watches porn. Loving someone is a whole package deal, you don’t get to cherry picky the parts you’re “okay” and “not okay” with. You should take your partner as they are just as they take you for who you are without forcing each other to change. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Obviously if it was an addiction or affecting his daily life - that’s an issue. I would also speak up and encourage my partner to seek help if that were the case. However, it sounds like he’s normally consuming porn while masturbating and she’s upset as their sex life if suffering currently. I don’t believe those two things are synonymous. I have absolutely masturbated and later that day my husband wanted to have sex and I said no. Doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to him and it’s also nothing personal. @anGEL420

@Mortie21 it just my opinion, like in relationships people find having a girl best friend cheating, while some other might not. If your relationship and you find that your actions were hurting your partner and making them insecure, why wouldn’t you grow to change it? As much as it would be great to live in a perfect world where no body is insecure and has issues it’s unrealistic. But that’s just my opinion, everyone has different opinions on what’s right and wrong. But I don’t think we should be telling people that their feelings are invalid. In my eyes if both people in relationship is okay with something than that’s great but if there’s an issue or someone in the relationship is hurt by an action, than they need to both talk it out and work through it :)

@Bunnika there comes a point where behavior is controlling and toxic, regardless of you both agreeing to it.

Both people in a relationship can be okay with hitting each other in an argument. Does that make it okay because they both agree to it? No, of course not. Forbidding your partner from doing something and them agreeing to it doesn’t make it okay.

I don’t like the idea of breaking up with someone over something that can be solved. I told my bf that i didn’t like him watching porn and that I consider it disrespectful. We didn’t break up because it was something that could be solved. My bf doesn’t think I’m toxic for telling him that I don’t want him doing it but you always go around telling people how they feel or what they want from their partner is toxic. Unless their partner thinks so it is not toxic it’s not ur relationship. Im not sure why ur saying it’s toxic when your partner should be understanding if they are not willing to change or so worried about porn then are they really ready for a relationship.

@Angel420 didn’t your boyfriend cheat on you and that’s why you feel so strongly over being disrespected and you worry he’ll cheat in you again?

@bunnika my only issue is that argument can go both ways. For instance, let’s say my husband wasn’t ok with me hanging out with my friends. But then it turns into me not posting selfies. Then it turns into me not being allowed to have social media at all. It’s controlling which is the reason I don’t agree. I do have insecurities like we all do - even married. I just think ultimatums are a poor communication tool that come across as a threat. A lot of times ultimatums mask the underlying issue instead of outright stating what’s wrong. Your partner isn’t a mind reader - communication is key! You are allowed to have boundaries but you shouldn’t enforce rules upon your partner.

@Angel420 okay so I just want to clear this up. You go around saying that people should be more considerate and mindful of people having different views, experiences, et cetera, but you don’t return the favour. Does that seem fair to you? I don’t think it is. People have been very kind and considerate about many situations on this app/forum, being sure to approach it from multiple angles. But you need to remember that every single person here will reply based on personal relationships and experiences. You only ever seem to be okay with it if someone shares your views, but when someone doesn’t they seem to be a big problem. That is not how that works, they have a different perspective, and sharing that perspective is not wrong, even if it might differ from yours. Not everyone has dealt with specific situations like you have. For me personally, I’ve never been cheated on so while I can see why you feel the need to secure your relationship because of broken trust I will never truly understand how you feel. And the same goes for you placing yourself in my shoes, you don’t truly understand what that relationship is like, and that’s okay. By posting online you need to accept the fact that you might get advice or comments that might not relate, or be a bit harsh because people are on the opposite side. I would also like to point out that advising someone to work on themselves is not an insult, it is part of growing up, self reflection. Every single person can always put in work for themselves, you will be working on yourself your entire life. And if you reflect on yourself and determine that advice is not a problem, then you don’t have to work on it? It is that easy. Just because someone says X or Y does not mean you have to follow up on it, it is just advice from a total stranger. You know yourself and your personal situation best. Anyway back to the topic: It is okay to have your own boundaries, it is okay to have your own opinions and views, it is okay to express your feelings to your partner if something makes you uncomfortable, BUT you can’t tell someone what to do or give them an ultimatum to get them to do what you want. It is manipulative in every sense of the word. If you have to go that far then you should really be dating someone that matches your views, rather than having to forcefully change your partner. And of course you can talk about things and if you and your partner are both okay with X change, great! Problem dealt with. But you have to be open to the possibility that your partner and you might have a different opinion or view and that they are not changing that behaviour. It’s up to you whether you can accept that difference or not. If you can’t: it’s time to move forward.