CW: coronavirus/COVID-19 Curious about people's thoughts on this- I saw this story on BBC about a man who's self-isolating in a camper van down the street from his family after coming into contact with someone who has the virus in Ethiopia (he's a conservationist who works there.) However, his 5 year old daughter has been told he's still in Africa, even though he's literally at the end of a large field adjacent to their home. The parents think that she wouldn't understand and would want to go see her dad if she knew the truth. I personally don't see the point in lying to children and generally think it's wrong regardless of the circumstances. I think she should be told the truth and they can explain that the virus is dangerous and could make her sick. Even if she doesn't fully understand now, she will one day, rather than feeling betrayed when she gets older and eventually finds out they hid this from her (which seems likely now that BBC has done a story on it.) However, I understand that the parents are in a difficult position and these are hard times for everyone. Trying not to judge, even though personally I think I would have handled this differently. What do you all think? How would you hypothetically handle a situation like this?

i agree with you, she should be told what actually is happening. I would have just been honest with her.

I think it's extremely easy to be all high and mighty about this when it's not you in the situation, it's a difficult time and maybe this one lie will make the whole situation a lot easier on all involved. I think it would likely be very tough as a parent to see your child not comprehend why they can't see their dad who is isolating, maybe the parents are doing what is best for their child. I know a few of my colleagues who have children around that age, a couple of them have been suffering from anxiety (diagnosed) at the moment due to seeing the news or hearing it and one of the kids know their grandma is currently isolating away from them as she has tested virus and it is making the anxiety worse because she is panicked the virus has got the grandma and that she will die. Unless you are a parent of the specific child involved I don't think it's up to you to judge

She's 5. I don't think she'd understand the seriousness of the situation. I also feel like she'd want to see her dad more knowing he's closer than she knows. I think they handled the situation as best as they could.

I think their decision was the best. She is five I doubt she’ll grow up and be upset about this. Plus its only a couple of weeks. I dont believe kids should be lied to either but sometimes you have to do whats best for them. I doubt a five year old understands the seriousness of this disease. Also she would suffer more knowing her dad is so closed.

I think that the amount of honesty given to the child is really dependent on that child’s emotional and mental ability to handle the truth of their circumstances. I think if I was 5 and one of my parents had to live away due to a potential exposure I would somewhat understand, but the idea of them being potentially sick to the point they can’t see me would probably terrify me. I assume that is why they’re not being completely honest, and in that scenario I understand. Otherwise I think you’re right that being fully honest could lead to a good conversation about what is going on in the world right now, and having that conversation could also help you comfort your child, answer any questions, which could also make them feel better.

@martini_2 I understand the parents are in a tough situation. I'm not judging them for their decision.

She is 5, she wouldn’t understand the situation and would probably feel worse knowing she can’t see her dad being so close to him Also, most ppl don’t even have memories of when they were that young, so it would just be an unnecessary suffering for the girl right now, and when she gets older she will understand the decisions of her parents

I personally think they’re probably doing the right thing. It’s quite possible a child that age cannot comprehend the seriousness of the situation (let’s face it many fully grown adults can’t either 🙄) and telling the child he’s so close yet she can’t see him because he may be sick is likely to cause confusion, anxiety and upset for the child, and in turn cause more stress and anxiety on the parents in an already stressful situation. If he works away regularly then the child would be used to that and won’t be upset. I mean either way the child wouldn’t be able see him right now anyway. I personally don’t think the child would feel ‘betrayed’ when they’re older and find out, this is an extraordinary situation that no one could have ever imagined, the entire world is shutting down, people are trying to protect themselves as best they can and that’s one thing that they as a family can do to protect themselves. I think the kid will be able to understand why her parents were trying to protect her. Also some small kids often completely ignore significant events in their life so it’s possible this situation won’t even be very memorable to them in the future.

@Connie71c I have loads of memories from when I was 5 years old, and before. I even remember little pranks and tricks my mom played on me (totally harmless, but they stood out to me because it was one of those rare moments she wasn't completely honest with me.) On the contrary, I think when young children are developing and forming their view of the world is when events like this will shape and affect them the most.

@aurielle I personally don’t have many significant memories from 5 years old or under

I don’t think it will be traumatic for her, since she is so young. Children are resilient, it is one of the best qualities that bless our young mind. But, I also value honesty. I would’ve probably just said daddy is still away, and not say any more details.

@SugarWitch_ I think that approach makes sense, to just say he can't come home right now and explain it's because of the disease, without the necessity of lying outright.

@aurielle @Sugarwitch_ Yes I agree that’s a good way to put it, there is still honesty in that answer but it’s brought to a level that wouldn’t concern the child or cause them further anxiety.

@aurielle yet it sounds very much like you are judging

Honestly, I would explain that dad can’t be home right now because he’s sick and we are trying to keep you safe. I have a younger sister, and I don’t lie to her. If she can’t understand something, I will tell her the simplest way. She’s older than 5 now, but I’ve always been that way with her. I used to ask permission from my parents though since she’s not my child, but for the most part, I always told her the truth. Every parent has a different approach to it. I don’t necessarily agree with this method, but that’s what they did 🤷‍♀️

@martini_2 specifically said in my post I was trying not to judge, I just would have handled it differently.

I think they could explain to her. I understand she’s very young and probably can’t comprehend, but children aren’t dumb. They’re able to understand and know way more than we think. There are ways to simplify things in order for them to comprehend.

@aurielle I'm not saying I'd handle it the same way either (as someone who has no children, I have no idea what I would do in this situation). I just feel the only reason to make a post like this is to pass your judgement and I don't think that's right as you are not a parent, nor do you know the child or even the family involved, so I don't know why this post was necessary if not to berate or pass judgement on someone else's parenting choices.

@aurielle I personally don’t have many memories from when i was 5 or younger

@martini_2 I completely agree that judging the parent’s decision in this very difficult circumstance is unnecessary, but that doesn’t seem to be the intention of this post. Everyone on this app is from different cultures with different moralistic standards, have a multitude of family experiences, and parenting experiences/relationships that also differ, and I think getting different perspectives based off of those factors is really interesting and enlightening, especially as I would like to be a parent one day and I want to see how other’s feel about this. I don’t see any intentional malice or criticism towards the family that you’re saying is from this post?

^Just because someone would choose to have a different parenting approach does not immediate equate to them “berating” someone else who chooses to handle their circumstances differently.

It’s a pretty small lie for a few weeks. It’s not like her dad died or left the family and they’re acting like he’s on vacation, that I understand as a betrayal. I don’t think that decision was right or wrong and I don’t think the decision to tell her what’s actually happening would be right or wrong either. Parenting is difficult and there’s not a clear answer for everything. I don’t think I’d know if I’d do the same personally until I actually had a child and knew that child’s emotional needs, understanding, etc.

@martini_2 No...I had a different opinion than the parents and wanted to see if any others thought the same. As you can see I got a wide range of responses and perspectives, most of them agreeing with the parents' approach actually, so the point wasn't to criticize or prove that I'm right. Tbh the only "berating" I'm seeing on this post is coming from you. Everyone including myself has acknowledged how difficult this must be for the parents involved.

I was very self aware at 5 I feel I would have understood. It’s better to say the truth I think say there is just a sickness right now and it’s not safe to see your dad say in a less alarming way but still I think lying about it is bad especially if she finds out later when she grows up.

TW : cancer I remember growing up with my grandmother sick with lung cancer and it never gave me really bad anxiety, but i knew she was sick. we were so close since we lived together but i didn’t comprehend it at the time. I’m not saying this is how all kids may be but, that’s how i remember it. It’s really up to the parents i think.

I think it very much depends on the child. Children develop differently so maybe this is a sensitive child who could possibly have anxiety and telling them would make it worse? My aunt has severe anxiety so we are more careful and cautious with her. I know she’s a lot older but if her child or husband had it, we would probably lie to her.

I don’t know, it’s not my place to understand why they decided to tell her that and it’s a little over the top for me but I don’t even know what I would tell my child if I had one. Now as an all grade level K-12 substitute teacher I know especially with the little ones the less they know the better. They don’t always have the ability to understand things like this. Even up to middle school. Their minds are just not devolved enough to really understand. So ya as a parent I can understand not wanting to add unnecessary stress to them or the child? Again I have no idea what I’d do tbh

K-12 is ages 5-18 for those that don’t know!