How do I deal with a boyfriend who has kids and is planning to see them/have them at his place every other weekend? I already knew he had 2 kids. However he would only see them sunday all day or one evening. And recently he has been discussing that the Mom and him are thinking of going through with the child support and he wants to have them a full weekend, every other weekend. It scares me because I'm so used to seeing him once/twice a week. And then spending the friday, saturday night together and sometimes going into sunday all day at my place. I know it'll take me sometime to get used to this and I can't meet them because the Mom isn't allowing it. We have been dating for three months but known each other for at least a year.

Dating someone with kids means you come after them. You knew you had kids so you knew that he was going to eventually spend time with them. As a parent it’s great that he’s gonna be able to spend more time with his kids. Looks like you had to see him on the weekdays until you’re dating long enough to meet them.

Totally right! How I wished my Mom would of thought that way when she married my step-dad. She always put him even to this day after everything he's done. But I see ur point. Its not the first time I date someone with kids but I really love him and all I can do is try to understand

His kids will come first but honestly you just need to be supportive of him and happy for him as if not it could ruin a relationship as he will put his children first if you complain or try and change that, if you are supportive ur relationship will be stronger and longer and the mother will probably eventually let you meet them too but the most you can do here is be supportive as that’s probably what he needs 💗

I’m not saying your not supportive btw i just mean like show him your happy and accepting 💕💕

Yeah that's correct. I try to not think about how they'll come first but its something that's got to be accepted. Yeah he has told me several times that if something ever changed from me because of the kids no matter how in love he is he'll go on. I just need to let time pass as he said this won't be for long, its just while she allows me to meet them

Honestly if it’s difficult for you then you shouldn’t be with someone that has kids. This really shouldn’t be an issue at all.

@katara_ that’s not a nice thing to say, the whole point of this chat is that she’s nervous and doesn’t know how to act around it all. She needs support not negativity, she’s dating the dad not the children and just because he has children doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him or care about him and should throw all that away because he has kids. It’s obviously hard as it’s a new thing but just because things are hard doesn’t mean to end it, just sort it out.

If I remember correctly (and I could be wrong) you’ve had issues dating guys with kids in the past. Maybe it’s just not right for you. You’re pretty young.

@Gigglegoo I’m not being negative, I’m being honest. She can love him and care for him but his kids will always be in his life and they will always come first. That shouldn’t be an issue and if it is then she shouldn’t be with someone with kids.

@katara_ yea I understand you now just the way you put it earlier came across rather blunt and harsh x but yeah that makes sense.

But.. it's the truth? If she finds it hard not to see her boyfriend because he's with his *kids* then the relationship is probably not right for her. You really need to be super selfless when it comes to his children, OP. And you'll have to respect the fact that it may be too soon to meet them.

@xixv yeah I already said I understood just there was probably a nicer way of putting it. No hard feelings x

It’s already been said, but all you can do is accept that his children and his ex will always be a part of his life. And that his children will always and SHOULD always be his number one priority. Think of it this way, would you really want to be with a deadbeat dad who shows zero interest in being involved in his children’s lives?? Because that shows exactly how he could wind up treating you and any potential children you have with him. Him being an involved parent is a GOOD thing. Try to remember that. And I really don’t think it’s out of line to not meet them for a while. Children shouldn’t need to meet every single person their parents date, a revolving door of potential step-parents is only confusing for them because they get attached only to have them break up early on. And that’s not fair to them. Not saying you guys will break up, but save the meeting them for after you’ve been together at least a year. Meeting children is more of a long term relationship activity, and if you’ve only been together 3 months (regardless of how long you were friends first), I can see why his ex (or even him) would prefer to wait for you to meet his kids.

If you wanna date someone that’s free all weekend just for you, perhaps someone with children won’t be the best choice for you. Especially if you are young. My dad always spent his time with his gf and not us and that f*cking hurts. I’m glad he’ll get to see them more often. Every other weekend is still 4/30-31 days and that’s very little. You probably see him mote often than the kids do so I’m confused on why you’re scared.

I’m only 17 and my parents got divorced when I was 5 , so for ~ 12 years I’ve seen my father an average of once a month, although it’s frequently extended past this. I’d consider myself incredibly fortunate in this regard since many children see one of their parents much less often that this if at all. However, if my dad was able to have more frequent visitations then I would hope to god that he would prioritize that over his girlfriend. If you don’t understand how this development in custody is a big deal and it’s great for both him and his children then , quite frankly , you’re selfish for being in this relationship. I understand that change can be scary , but if you’re mature then you’ll put aside your fear and try to be supportive. If you don’t feel ready for things such as this , then that is okay and perfectly reasonable , but you need to be honest. Three months really isn’t that long , so if you think that you just need some time to get to know this person better and jump into a new routine, then that’s fine, but if you think you need to leave so that you aren’t in a situation where you might feel bothered by him needing to adapt his schedule (which might be less stable than a strict every other week rotation depending on circumstances) then decide quickly and have a conversation with your partner. It’s okay to not feel certain about things. Change is often difficult and you aren’t terrible for thinking about this or being scared or just not knowing how to react. If you aren’t ready to be in a relationship where kids are involved then be honest with yourself and the people around you. It isn’t fair to anyone to keep entering relationships where things might be complicated when you aren’t ignorant of the circumstances. Just take some time to breathe and think and either stay and adapt and be supportive and don’t force the situation or be honest and leave and take some time to just be with yourself so you can figure out what you actually want.

Sorry for the long text post

@aurielle not really issues. I have dated two different guys with kids in the past. And the first one didn't work because well I was under age at the time and he was 8 yr older so I was very immature to some things he would say. And well he ended it. The second guy had his daughter 3-4 times a week and well I just got tired of never seeing him and this had nothing to do with his daughter because our work schedules didn't match up and he would leave in the morning right away after staying the night even on days I knew he didn't work or had his daughter.

@katara_ i see your point! And u kno at the beggining I didn't think too much of it, I even up to recently told him to push the child custody sooner in case she tried to flee or something (based on a threat she made if he didn't move back) and I told him at the beggining that I needed to adjust, that it would take me some time but that I would get used to this new change. But now I know myself and kno its gunna be hard on me, I love him and I am trying not to be selfish. But I just feel so out of place. He has always treated me nice and kept me in the loop about everything. I want to talk to him and let him know how I feel but I also wanna try our relationship and see where it takes us. Primarily I think this whole issue comes from me never ever up to this point (24 yr old) met my bio dad. My mom remarried when I was 5 and I have vague memories of their marriage and growing up I remember multiple times where my Mom always told me it was my fault that they fought so much. I only knew who my dad was when I turned 18 and looked for him. Up to this day My mom is always on his side and is always trying to get me to do the right things so my step-dad doesn't get mad. My bf knows about this and I have told him several times that this is why its soo hard on me. We have also talked about having kids of our own and I always tell him that I don't want my kid to grow up like I did, so that when I feel that he isn't going to leave I will then have a baby. He didn't leave his family or anything, they were just having too many issues. However the whole scenario scares me and I honestly don't know if I'll be able to go through with it. Otherwise I wouldn't be trying to find answers here.

@Virdy you guys have only been dating for 3 months. Talking about babies is wayyyy too soon. If you know this is going to be rough then just get yourself out of the situation. 3 months is nothing and it’ll be easier to do now than 2 years from now.

@ConfusedCat thank you so much for this long message! I needed that. I'm not ready I love him but I'm not 100% ready for this kind of relationship and who knows maybe I'll never be. Some people are just not made for this. I need to talk to him asap and I know that this may result in things ending between us. I am trying to be strong and mature about things! However before meeting the kids I gotta think about myself and what I really want. He may have it all financial stability, great looks, personality etc but with kids it goes far more than that. I gotta be honest with myself and with him. I can't waste my time if I know this ain't gunna change in 6 months. Maybe, just maybe its time to let go.

@katara_ definitely thinking of ending things. Its gunna be a rough choice but I kno that when I find someone with no kids who makes me happy I won't regret this decision. I need to be honest and not let more time go by.

If it makes a difference, I am 24 and he is 28.

I agree with everyone, I’d end this and move on if this seems like a problem at 3 months. If you’ve seen something you don’t like in the past in previous relationships you should avoid it in next relationships, if you disliked guys having kids in your first relationship, you shouldn’t have gone into relationships with guys that are fathers for the following two.

Girl i would be happy that he’s trying his hardest to see them and even making sure he can see them for longer, that speaks volume of him being a good father. If you’d have rather he ignored his living children and focused on you and maybe your future kids, you’d have a surprise coming by he leaving you (your kids) and moving on to the next new thing. But I agree with the rest, this is just the beginning and you’re already uncomfortable, I’d move on

I’m dating someone with 2 children and yes, you have to understand that the children will ALWAYS come first, however being scared and worried is totally rational. I met his children around 3 months into dating and moved in after about 5 months. He sees his kids every other weekend. We just ensure that we use our time wisely and he has also split his holiday allowance between us all equally. It all depends on the relationship between the ex and father as well. She may not be comfortable with you seeing his kids now and that’s totally fine. I agree with certain above posts, if you’re thinking negatively about “your time” vs “children time” then maybe this relationship isn’t for you. But don’t forget that once you’ve met the kids you can all do exciting things together and then you still can spend time together. I think your partner is doing the right thing by having his kids more. They need a father in their lives and it’s good that he’s stepping up to the responsibilities. Try to think positive and remember that he will never pick you over them.

It’s all above give and take. I personally love my partners children as a friend, never as a “step mum”. I re-read your post about your concerns and I think you need to be more mature about the situation.

I don’t think it’s the right relationship for you if it’s this early and you’re already having issues with it and worrying about having kids and can’t be biased and are bringing your issues with your upbringing into it and can’t see past it. Dating people with kids isn’t the easiest. I wouldn’t want to date someone who only sees his kid one evening every now and then. And you need to prove yourself as reliable and stable and mature over time if you want to get to know the kids. And once you do that then you can enjoy time with them together. But no one wants people in and out of their kids lives. My boyfriend has a (just turned 4 year old) daughter, he has her 2-3 nights every week. We spent 5 months seeing only each other “unofficially” getting to know each other. After that I think we waited 3 months for me to be around his daughter for an hour at a time one evening every other week. After a few months moved that up to spending an evening together one night a week. Then moved to full days/overnights. Now it’s been over a year and a half and things are great with all of us and we’re looking to move in together in the next 6 months. I cherish the time I get with both of them and feel blessed I get the opportunity. His ex and I have slowly developed a mutual respect for each other. She appreciates having someone around that cares for her daughter and loves her and I appreciate that she trusts me with her most precious thing she has. If you don’t think you can do that and are only worrying about yourself then you definitely should be with someone who doesn’t have kids.

So I told him how I felt and he didn't understand one bit. He said it seems like I'm unsure about him. We are going to meet in person to talk about that right now but I'm almost sure he'll end up dumping me. At least now I expect it :(

@virdy Be strong 💜, you’ll be okay no matter what

I think that’s for the best. You have different priorities. It would be tough/impossible for him to understand and take your side if your side is making him feel bad for seeing his kids more. Regardless of you’re reasoning for it. It’s putting him in the middle and that’s unfair. And acting like that assuming you want to be with him won’t get you to meet the kids any faster. It’d make me unsure the relationship will last and not want to put my kids through potentially getting attached.