to participate download our app

Jun 8
19:56
TW: sexual coercion/ harassment So I’ve got a group of 4 friends, we love hanging out with each other and all vibe. The story concerns 2 of them, both are gay guys. One of them that I’ve known for less time but am far closer with now, has opened up to me about the fact that the other one had rubbed against him and touched his penis some time ago. He said he reciprocated for a bit, not knowing what to do, but eventually just said he’s not feeling like it and so it stopped. Though an uncomfortable memory, he thought that this was it. However, more recently, around 2-3 weeks ago or so, when both me and that other friend who touched him were staying over at his place, he got into bed with us to lie about/ hug (we do that some times as we are a very close knit group). However when I’d left to pee, apparently he guy attempted to touch/ rub against him again. This time, he was taken aback and didn’t move or say anything, just lay there silently not reciprocating at all. I told him to try and speak to him but he said he’s pretty sure he got the hint. However, last week, at another sleep over, i was too drunk and the guy who had touched my other friend said it’s best if he sleeps in the bed with him while I sleep on the sofa bed. A thought crossed my mind about it but I had already vomited multiple times on the way back so I thought it was a fair precaution. However horrifyingly the next morning when the other guy left, my friend told me that he had made him jerk him off early before I’d woken up. Apparently he took his hand and put it on his penis. My friend pretended to be asleep, and moved his arm away, but he put it back. He then kept trying to move it away multiple times, but the other friend persisted. Out of shock he stayed silent, and also, he thought him pulling away would send the message and he would stop. However not only did he not stop he proceeded to c*m onto his hand. My friend tried to talk about this jokingly but he was visibly traumatised by the incident. I told him as I have before that he shouldn’t stay silent just out of an idea that he doesn’t want “drama” in the group or doesn’t wanna upset the rest of the group. That he shouldn’t be trying to maintain status quo at his expense. And also, even though I am also quite close with the other friend, I told him I would distance from him instantly if needed. I suggested he talks to him, through text if he’s more comfortable that way even, and says very clearly that he was not happy or comfortable with the incident. I asked him if he would even want to be friends with him after this - and he said if he apologised and never did anything, and if this was a genuine horrible misunderstanding then it’s ok and he wants to stay friends with him as he still means a lot. But I told him if not then not to worry I’ll obviously be by his side, as I would be had it happened the other way round for the other friend of course. I told him that this is sexual coercion and basically harassment that he could literally report - not that I’m suggesting it or not, but just to emphasise the seriousness of it. I reassured him (as he was worried it’s his fault for staying silent) that it’s not his fault and that silence is NOT consent and pulling away and pretending to be asleep are good enough indicators of no consent, and that’ it’s deeply disturbing that friend continued after this. Additionally we keep making it super clear to that friend all the time that the other friend has a particular type of men he is into, which happens to be the polar opposite of that friend who touched him. He wanted to talk to him, but we are going on a holiday 10-14th so he said he’d rather not risk it and speak after that, as he’s worried the other friend will get hella defensive and try and guilt trip or get upset somehow. Again I reassured him it’s perfectly fine to send him a message first if he’s more comfortable with that and that I’d help him write one of needed. I’m also going to offer to stay with him
1
12
Jun 8
20:00
I also gave him a therapist’s number who is also a gay man and a great professional, so that he’s more comfortable talking about it all and gets support should he need it
 
Jun 8
20:08
I’m so sorry that this is happening to your friend, i can’t imagine how he feels :/ i hope that he does speak up about it and resolves this asap. The best you can do is support him and be there for him which it seems you’re already doing a great job of that
1
Jun 8
20:22
@nikeyxo yeah I just wish I could do more but I can’t think of anything else at the moment. I also will obviously try and make sure they’re not in next door bedrooms on our holiday, so I can act as a sort of buffer if he tries to go into his room like last time during the sleep over... otherwise honestly don’t know what else
 
Jun 8
21:38
Could you speak to the friend instead of him? Seems v uncomfortable for him to have to confront his own assailant
5
Jun 8
23:35
@aurielle I just offered this, thanks for the idea. Didn’t think of it somehow but you’re right
1
Jun 8
23:36
I will also soon post a text coming from him directly here too
 
Jun 9
00:40
Agree with @aurielle I would speak to him and distance myself from him at least, I definitely wouldn’t just ignore it x
1
Jun 9
01:00
Honestly it doesn’t sound like it was a misunderstanding. He pulled away. MULTIPLE times. I wouldn’t even be comfortable going on the trip with him.
3
Jun 9
01:07
@aWg1 Yeah you’re right. I wish I’d done it sooner, but because of how complicated it all was with my friend wanting to pretend it’s all ok and wanting nobody to know there’s anything happening or that I’m aware, and him saying he’d still want to be friends with him, it was confusing and there are definitely things I’ve done that I now wish I hadn’t (firstly when I initially followed along with the joking tone my friend initiated (which I quickly realised was a defence mechanism, and regretted & changed that) gotten drunk with the both of them and the one who is to blame took care of me, and I said thanks to him and hugged him - though this of course is before I knew about the harassment incident - I’d never have drunk anything around him now, but instead watched that my friend is ok, and then another time after I’d already known about the final incident, when I’d thanked him for being supportive and checking in on me recently) . But I guess we’re only human and I will move forward and do my best, and apologise to my other friend if any of it hurt him/ was not the right thing. I wish I’d done better, but I will from now on. I also messaged my therapist to recommend someone for him urgently. And I’m meeting the friend tomorrow, when we can speak further and I’ll apologise for any behaviour on my part that wasn’t right or made him feel worse, and if there’s anything else I can do at all. Ah, I hate myself for not having instantly distanced myself straight away. I wish I’d known better and not made mistakes
 
Jun 9
01:12
I also wish I’d never drunk anything in the first place, as me being sick beforehand was the “reason” the friend who is to blame said I should sleep on the couch while he slept in the bed with my other friend; and well, the morning after is when he harassed him... I know it’s not my fault but I still feel horrible about it, even though my friend (the victim) really did want to go drink together for a while and was really looking forward to it, and I just accidentally drank a couple shots too much. Ah how I wish that night never happened now
 
Jun 9
01:25
@stinaaa I know, I know... same... but it’s literally happening this Thursday and it’s not something we can cancel so easily, especially with the other friend of ours (a girl) not knowing anything at all about this, and the one to blame not even knowing I’m aware. We would never get our money back, either and even though me and the (victim) friend can afford it, the girl friend really can’t afford to lose that money, as she is saving for some medical bills. I also think because of how difficult it all is for him, he wants it to be done when the trip is out of the way - at least he told me before that he didn’t want any of it to come up before the trip. But tomorrow we will discuss the details and the arrangements we can agree on to ensure his safety and comfort- especially the sleeping situation, any drinking etc & making sure they never end up alone together. Perhaps a plan for what to do should I need to go to the bathroom and the other friend who’s unaware is also elsewhere, or a code we can use, sort of a panic button. Any advice is appreciated for that, too
 
Jun 9
09:44
I honestly cut all contact after i’d let him know his behavior is unacceptable he clearly pressured your friend into doing something by manipulation and he did not respect his boundaries. I personally suggest that you talk to the “the friend” and tell him that due to the circumstances he is not welcomed on the trip bc of what he did and how he would basically be putting everyone into uncomfortable situation by being there. The the whole situation about using code words like you should not be even using code words for someone to potentially getting harassed or assaulted its so messed up. Overall if you and your friend decide it’s for the best that confront him after trip then 😅 i wish you well I personally could not even enjoy the trip if i had a person like that around me.
2

to write your comment download our app